Please:

Talk with me. Not at me, to me, or down to me. I have a good mind, please treat me accordingly. I have even been called intellectual. For a self-educated woman that is high praise indeed. Yet I am down-to-earth, speak well, and I like to communicate and converse with all sorts of folks about all sorts of topics.

I like to think I am simple and easy going. *smiles*

Yet I realise I am more so intense, have a temper, am quite passionate and at the same time I want to do my best and right by folks. Especially those I love, care about and whom I call Friend. I seek to be open and honest. (Without being blunt and/or hurtful)

I am determined to not live a lie, nor tell any. I am casual, like to be comfortable, and do not stay mad long. Except under unusual circumstances or if I feel or have been betrayed. I have ethics and I live by my own code of “chivalry”. Not always the same as folks in the “modern” world. 

I never said I was easy to know or understand.

Trust

Trust is now much more important to me than love. That is a big change and a big deal coming from a romantic person like myself. I believe in love. But I also know what it is like to love without a healthy trust. It causes so much pain. I do not want that for anyone again I care about nor myself.

If I Trust you I mean it. I even a week ago had severe trust issues. I still am wary of most. Men especially. Most all my abusers were men. So if I say to You a Man “I Trust You”. Know it means even more than You might realise. Layers of meaning in one word, just like I am layers in one woman. Worth peeking under them and peeling them back also.
*smiles*

Love

Love is not always enough. It “sucks” but it is the truth. You can be in love with someone and it just is not good, healthy, right, and/or the right thing for either of you, and/or others in your life. It hurts this fact. But in the long run it will hurt much worse.

This is experience talking, as well as deep insights given me.

The poets, playwrights, singers, and romantics will have you believe “Love Conquers All’ or “Love is All You Need”.  It is not the truth. It sells big, it is what folks want to hear and believe … but it is not true.
It sure sounds nice. But it is sadly not all you need nor is it enough to keep some things or relationships going.

And please know I am neither bitter or jaded about love at all! I have experienced Being in Love several times, and it was both hard and so precious. Love and Relationships take work and dedication on both partners part. One person cannot carry it alone. I know.

In Regards to Love & Me

I hope Someday to be truly loved and to love in return as a Soul Mate, Best Friend & Lovers kind of way, with the right Alpha Male for me and me being a right and true mate for Him.

Until then my hope is to be in a good D/s relationship with mutual affection, passion, with humour and some fun too, and the gift of Trust.

~~~

I hope to be to Him His Girl, Woman, Friend, and a lot more. He will have my Trust, Adoration, Affection, Loyalty & Respect. My gifts will be His to utilise. I know He will care for me and guide me with His utmost ability.

I will accept no less, nor will He from me. That I know because I know myself well.
Now for the Man. :)

Thanks For Listening!

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

“Love makes you do the wacky.” - Willow, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Love Hurts. Love Heals.

Love for me does these things above, and because I feel so deeply, I feel Love deeply. I cannot just “unlove” someone because they do not feel the same. It is not that easy.

Love does and does Not cover a multitude of “sins” or faults and flaws. True Love can fail or falter… but we have the choice to let it lay there dying on the ground and walk away OR we can choose to try and revive it.

I am the one that chooses the latter.

I get freaking amused at folks saying:

“If It Is True Love it will be all smooth and easy.”

Bull Snot!

Love is like pregnancy and then giving birth. It is happiness, it is tears, it is fears coming out, it is being ecstatic, then uncomfortable, it is sleepless nights. Then it can and does get messy and intensely painful. Voila! If you are lucky you Birth to a Healthy Relationship.

Oh and you have to keep working at it.. A Relationship needs to be raised & helped along like a child!

Love can be a lot of things, but it cannot be perfect. I see the Love Is (biblical thing) as a set of Guidelines. It is not possible to love anyone perfectly as no one is perfect themselves.

I will state it is utter crap that “Love means never having to say you are sorry.” (from Love Story)

If you are too “good” to admit you are wrong, apologise, and make amends.. you are full of yourself and on an ego trip. Love humbles its self.

Or maybe my kind of love does. I F up a lot. I am flawed & fallible, loving, and caring… I aplogise if I think I have done a wrong to loved ones. It is how I am wired. I really do not like hurting others ever.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Please feel free to disagree. Inbox me all you like. I am not adverse to conversing on this topic or any other.

These are my thoughts in this present moment.

They may change as I change within a week or a year. That would not surprise me a bit.

Shining In The Dark,
Starra

creouniverso:

For Women Who Are Difficult to Love - written and performed by Warsan Shire

You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?

closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.
****

Director, Producer : Andrea Cortes-Juarbe & Christine Mehr
Editor: Christine Mehr
Co-Editor: Andrea Cortes-Juarbe
Special thanks - Lauren Stanton, Sara’o Bery, Ada Pinkston, Isa Nakazawa

Audio mashed by Christine Mehr
Instrumental track - Zoe Keating’s “Sun Will Set.”

—————————————————-

wow.

My life lost its colour. I am a lot to blame. I do not know what I did to him to want him to want me gone. I may never know. I will have to live with that. I am not believing in love for me these days.

Well-meaning folks who I know care say the kindest things. I smile, try to believe in the words they say… but I really cannot hold onto to the hope or faith I had in love. For others yes. Just not for me.

I will grieve myself sick, I already am. I detest being this person. But it is a process “they say”. I only have a hope and will to keep going for my daughters sake. She is the one constant in my life. I know she loves and needs her Mum.

So I keep doing what I can to be here and to try to hold onto to the “brighter” times I have as I swing like an insane pendulum from Hope for a Future For Her. To the depths of a grief I have never felt before; not even when my marriage ended. I never loved my husband as much as I DO this man.

Shining (Dimly) In The Dark,
Starra

PS.

Please know I do not write to get attention or to garner sympathy. I write to hold on to my sanity. I write. I am a writer. I am a hurting person yes, but I am not a drama queen or attention seeker.

A Facebook Friend asked this question. Here is my answer:

True Love … so complicated and yet not always. In that it does not have to be. 

Taking the True out, I will say that I believe Love is defined by the couple. Everyone is different so their love is going to be different from everyone else’s as well. It is up to Them to define their love & what works for them.

I think if you are not mutually attracted, respectful, do not communicate in a healthy & positive open manner, trust each other, and are or able to be that right combination that “Gets You” and You Them, well they are not The One I need, want, and/or will willingly choose to spend part of my life with.

Also, I have learned Kahlil Gibran is right “Let there be spaces in your togetherness”. Joined at the hip is not good or healthy for me or most folks. I want a Friend, Lover, & a strong willed/natured intelligent Manly Man who sees the Sensual Goddess & the “Little Girl” in me too and likes, respects, & wants me in all my facets & flaws.

No one is perfect.

And we are none of us Fixer Uppers nior should be treated as such. Take one another As Is or not at all. If you fall in love with each other why do you then seek to change that person?
It is up to each of us as individuals to fix ourselves if we need it. And for us as couples to work together to fix the relationship. Like anything a relationship needs upkeep, care, and attention.

If a guy will not Try I know I cannot be with him. Been there & done that & have the scars to prove it (inside). So there is my thoughts.

Addendum:
If there are abusive tendencies (emotional, verbal, &/or physical) and if they take me for granted, willfully neglect the relationship and yes me; I am out of it.

*Disclaimer:

My opinions here are just that, opinions. I have a “failed” marriage & several online relationships that did not make it either. I am no expert on life or love. I only know from what I have experienced, read, and learned thus far in my 47 years what I seek, need, hope for in Love and hope to be to a Lover.

Know Thy Self works in relationships too.

Shining In The Dark,
Starra

sleepinsidemysoul:

When you reach a certain age and are starting over…. the possible friends and lovers you meet have had a life for a long time before you entered it… life is that way after all…its the ones that make room for you and your proverbial stuff….where they give you room to hang your pictures and a memory drawer…. they are the keepers…everyone has baggage… its all about the unpacking…

***Written before the complicated relationship I was in ended coincidentally on the same day I had started writing this “On Love” -pt 2.

Not all of us have the gift of words, poetic or otherwise. Some of us can string them together and seem ever so eloquent then stumble over ourselves.

Love is a verb. It is meant to be lived, to be acted upon. To be given and to not be taken for granted.

Sometimes it goes dormant. Many do not understand how that can be. After all won’t it die that way? It is indeed a risk. But as any gardener knows the bulbs and roots of flowers and plants go dormant under the hard frozen ground all winter. They are just resting as Mother Nature intended; and so we needs must wait for the proper timing to see them grow, bud, blossom, and bloom yet again. Sometimes love does this. Sometimes it needs to. I am no expert, I just know what I have seen and/or experienced.

And indeed some plants and some loves do not make it through the winter. Some never see a new spring. When this happens to us we can weep over this, or accept it philosophically.

We are allowed to weep, and we are allowed to be philosophical. We are allowed to be angry and hurt too. It is human to feel these things. let no one tell you differently.

~~~~~~~~~

My Hope is in the right timing Love will be the verb again for me. But for now I will be my own lover and engage in Joie de Vivre as best I can.

Loving ourselves is so important if we are to have a Healthy Relationship. We need to be whole for ourselves, and for our future partner/lover.
It is not up to anyone besides us to save, fix, or fulfill ourselves. We are not “halves to a whole”. We are whole ourselves or ought to be. Then Both choose to intertwine lives as Partners/Lovers.

My 2 cents for what it is worth. I do not think of myself as an expert on love or Relationships. My past is surely no example, recenr or otherwise. I just speak from what I have learned along the way.

No matter that I am grief stricken and heart broken at this moment in time, I still believe in Love. Hurt and sad as I am, I still Hope for it someday in the future after I have time to heal.

I do think though that if I allow myself to love like this again I may not be as open as I was nor as able to trust. But maybe I will. I think counselling will help. But trust, well is pretty well in bits and pieces too.

Love is… so much more than I have written about and experienced thus far. I believe in it. It has hurt me. It has broken my heart time and again. But oh love when it is good it is truly good!

I will survive. I will love my self, my children, family and friends who are my loved ones, I will spiral out to love others.

In time I may even love again.. or maybe never again. So be it.

Thanks for Listening.

Shining In The Dark,
Starra

~~~~~~~~~

I can state there will be quite possibly some dark moments and/or days & darker blogging ahead. Depression, hurt, and my being the emotional wench that I am… well, it is bound to happen. I will try to be okay.

On Love…

Love Can and Does Heal, if it is a good, and right kind of love aka healthy.
Not all folks are able to love in such a way.

Love can and should grow and change over time. It does not make it bad, it is the nature of all things living to transform or become. Hopefully it becomes more and better in its transformation process.

“True Love” can die too. Soul Mates are not always in our lives forever and they are not always the persons we fall in love with. Sometimes they are our friends, parents or children. Sometimes they are our lovers, but if love ends or the soul mate and you change and grow apart, it is a Happens for a Reason scenario.

I am still learning to take myself out of the way of love; my ego gets in the way. I freely admit that I am not perfect nor do I believe there is such a thing as “perfect”.

Unconditional Love is something to work towards. It is a beautiful  concept. But I think that it is more so for those who are quite Transcended.  I am not there yet. Not sure in this lifetime I will be. But I still try to love as unconditional as I am able.

Often people dislike using the word work in the same sentence as love, yet I know from experience they go hand in hand. Healthy loving mature relationships are work and take effort from both sides. There is nothing wrong with working for something that truly matters. And for me, Love Matters.

I put my heart in it, my blood, sweat and tears too. I keep trying and I believe in making things like marriage and/or a relationships work. I tend to try too hard and too long. But I am still learning. So I am also learning to Let Go. As well as “Let Go of the Expected and Hoped for Outcomes”.

That does not mean I do not get hurt. It does not mean I do not care. It only means I seek to not place My expectations upon another or my Loved One or Loved Ones. I am fallible in this too.

I do not use the words I Love You lightly. I may be able to say them whereas some cannot or do not as easily or at all. But I mean them even if it seems that it is easier for me to say them. I prefer not to leave things unsaid as life is too short and often we lose out on things if we do not say what we feel.

I also stand by them, the words and the persons I love. It is who I am.

Love is something I believe in. I have not lost hope and faith in the beauty or power of love. I have a romantic yet practical heart. I am passionate, compassionate, and fierce in my love and loving. Not fluffy at all even if I seem to be.

I have a “gooey” caring heart, but I know the secret of that.
The truth of the matter is that it takes a stronger person to love as openly as I do than most realise or believe.

Love Heals. Love Hurts. Love is Scary, Beautiful, Painful, and Love is not easy. Though I hear so much about “If love is meant to be it is such and such.”

I say that is bogus and for each person and/or couple Love is going to be different.

At the end of the day I usually will state:

Love just Is.

Now it is up to US to make the best of it. Together hopefully.

Shining In The Dark,
Starra

*These are my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. That being the case it does not make others wrong nor does it make me wrong if we do not share the same thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

Vive la différence!

Umbrella Couple

sabrinas-own:

rain

I am a Hopeful Romantic. I believe in Love. I believe Love has the power to heal. Love is not meant to do harm. It can though because when we do truly love we give the power to heal and harm to that person who holds our heart in their hands. We need to be mindful in love. In all its forms.

Love is written and talked about like it is easy. Stated often is that if it is not easy it is not meant to be. I disagree, vehemently.

Love IS.

It is not even the same thing to the couple who love each other sometimes. Love though can and often surpasses the differences and covers a multitude of flaws and follies, mistakes and wrongs. It blesses and it moves mountains much like faith does.

Love is many things to many people. Different for each person and couple.
Some love starts out easy, hits bumps, breaks apart on the rocks. Some fizzle out for whatever reason. Love can come unexpectedly, be bumpy, seem like the odds are against it working out, yet it can be the long lasting, strongest, most beautiful of loves ever.

All relationships; be it between couples in love, friendships, and/or family relationships take work. The word work is not romantic so people want to ignore it in love. Well I am from hard working folk, we who rolled up our sleeves and put our all into Whatever we did. Same goes for loving others. You gave it all you had in you. Not when it was convenient to do so, you made a mess you cleaned it up, you hurt someone you made amends, you did wrong you paid the piper and if you broke a trust you did what you had to to regain and deserve it again.

Love is not perfect because we are not perfect. No matter who wrote about it, love is not perfect but that does not mean we should not seek and try to make it stronger and better. The faults in love lie in us, not in love ts self.

So maybe Love is Perfect and we are the ones that make it imperfect?
There is a thought to ponder.

I learned that love for me is about change, about being in the present moment, forgiving even if forgiveness is not asked for, forgiving myself too my faults and many mistakes, it is learning, it is giving, it is getting too. It sacrifices, it ebbs and it flows, it is often as moody, and can be a tempest of passions. It is a sweet soothing balm too, if it is accepted as such.

I am not at the place of Unconditional Love. I want to be loved in returned and think that Unconditional Love is a concept we can aim for sure, but like “Perfection”, I do not think it is a reality for most of us.

At least not all too human types. Maybe the Zen Masters and truly Enlightened ones? *shrugs*

Many people say that God is Love. I disagree. I think Love is God. God, Goddess, what makes up the Universe within all of us. Star Stuff and Love. I like that. I think Sagan and Van Gogh might like it too. I am but a Woman in love, and a Witch that believes the Arts and Music, and the power called Love is what makes this world a better place quite often. Livable even.
Science has its place. Laughter is as necessary as Hugs and Oxygen. Magick is part and parcel of a this Witch’s life. I’ll choose Spirituality over Religion always.

All of it is interwoven with Love. Well, for me it is. I will never change in this; so I hope my Lover can and will accept this and can appreciate that love is not “mush”, it is not all sentimental all the time. It is in fact my strength, from where I draw my strengths from in fact. It is the core of me love is.

~~~~~~~~~

I hope Love will be beautiful to and for you.

   I don’t just want
    your heart
    I want your flesh,
    your skin
    and blood and bones,
    your voice, your thoughts
    your pulse
    and most of all your
    fingerprints,
    everywhere.


    –Isobel Thrilling