Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. - Zen Proverb

Chop Wood

You have to chop wood to get the fires started. They do not magickally happen. Even as a witch I know it is not like that. There are still laws of physics to be reckoned with. And in life and love we must chop wood or prepare ourselves so that our lives, hearts, minds, souls, and bodies can catch fire. There are so many times we are not in balance and we just do not catch flame. Or if we do catch fire, the fires go out, it sputters and sparks but never catches hold properly, because the wood was not stacked properly or it was out of balance somehow.

So many things can go wrong if we are not set up right or correctly.

Wrong thinking, wrong feelings. These get in the way of our Lives catching fire and burning brightly, in positive ways.

Carry Water

If we are to live we need water. We use water to cook, drink, and bathe in. We need it o grow our food, wash our clothes, to keep our homes clean and sanitary. Most of us have not had to carry water to do these things. Most of us live with electricity and have taps that “magically” bring forth water. And we might complain but most of us have access to pure water to drink and do these other things listed.

Many do have to carry water. Many do not have clean safe drinking water. Many bathe in polluted waters that cause sickness. Those are realities and facts. It is a hard life, yet ever so many live with joy and gratitude in spite of these hardships.

Water is life. We humans can only live about 3 to 5 days without water.

Water is indeed life; it is the birth waters of the salty seas and oceans,  it is embryonic fluid of the mother, it is the tears we cry.
Water is in our rain, rivers, lakes, springs and ponds. We have wells, and we have running water from cities.

Water is our bodies. We are made up of 60% water in our bodies, and our brains are 70% water. We need this to live and it is a natural source we are losing.

If we do not stay hydrated we die.

*** So it is with Love.. without it we perish.

Reach Out

If we do not have the intimacy of hugs and touching our health suffers. It has been proven that babies in the NICU (newborn intensive care unit) thrive upon human contact, touch, talking to them, and holding them. They even put twins in together to help one another to thrive and grow, to heal through touch.

Therefore physical contact in positive manners Matters.

Humans need touch. There is power in that. It is necessary like water to us, as is hugs. It improves our health, and happiness.

It is a way to show affection of course, of reaching out to one another. Yet so many do not reach out to give or receive either. Even the simple act of holding a persons hand increases health, positivity, and is an intimate as well as beautiful gesture.

Enlightenment:

• 1 [mass noun] the action of enlightening or the state of being enlightened: Robbie looked to me for enlightenment
• the action or state of attaining or having attained spiritual knowledge or insight, in particular (in Buddhism) that awareness which frees a person from the cycle of rebirth: the key to enlightenment is the way of the Buddha

For me it is a path and part of my life. To keep on learning, moving forward even if I have been knocked down or backwards. To never stop becoming me, the woman, the person, and spiritual being I am meant to become in this lifetime.

I think I have gained some enlightenment. I am nowhere near a “buddha”. I do not see myself as a any great teacher either. I learn and I mess up. I start again. I get mad as heck, cuss, throw my temper around a bit. I chastise myself, I start over After apologising to all, and sundry for my piss poor attitudes, and behaviours.

I am fallible, weak, and a beautiful mess. I am strong, smart, and seek to be kind.

And I am learning to have a grateful heart, and lighter spirit as I go through Life. I am enough as I am now when it comes to both Life and Love.

That does not mean I will stop where I am in this place of my growing, and enlightenment. It only means I have found my Inner Peace, and a balance that allows Blessings in the form of people, situations, things, and love to come to me.
The Right Kind of these actually.

I am still and always will be a work in progress, and I will always seek to Become a better person. Not measured by any one else’s ways of thinking, only by Spirits and Deity, and Universe.

Though for the Man in my life and love, I hope to always be as pleasing as possible to Him, with Him, for Him. For He matters to me “muchly”, as He is my Anam Cara.

I will Chop Wood, Carry Water, and Hold His Hand in the Journey towards Enlightenment. I do not know where the Path and Journey takes me, or us, but I know I want to walk with Him if this is Deity’s will.

Shine Dark,
Starra

It was 55 degrees yesterday morning. Today it is 61 at 8 am. My hands are cold and my right hand gets so stiff from the cold as well as all the mouse clicking. Need to break out my fingerless gloves. My hands are feeling frozen and are aching in this dampness and colder weather.

My body is crunchy, I am hurting today, and I can state I detest my mattress. It is a kids mattress, so not build to hold my BBW body. So my back complains most regularly now. I like being under my warm blankets though. I like the cooler air as opposed to the hot humid ways that are the usual thing in the Deep South USA.

Bloom Darnit!

I am Blooming Where I am Planted but I feel like I got a bit too much fertiliser. lol I need more water maybe. Not so much heavy rains as morning dew. Easy does it for me and mine. AS soon as I get my phone back on I will be working. That is The Plan. I am looking forward to getting bills paid On Time, the landlord off my back, and to have I hope a small but decent holiday season.

On the Home Front:

My middle daughter broke things off with her troubled boyfriend. They are remaining friends. And she will live here and most likely move out West next year. Those were her plans before they met. She has aspirations and dreams, I hope very much she will live them.

He was asked by a family friend of ours to move in over there with her. She has a son much like this young man, so she is IMHO much better equipped to help him, teach him, and also he can help her as heavy lifting is not something she can or ought to be doing.

Aging and arthritis are a beastly duo, she and I both agree. She is a bit older than I am, but age is no factor with love and good friends. I consider her my best friend and partner in crime. If I ever need someone to help hide a body, she is the one I’d call. More so I keep her a bit Out of Trouble, and she is the cynic to my optimist.

Cause and Effect: (Paws and Effect too!)

The landlord rents out mobile homes in a not too great piece of land. He scooped up all the stray cats. I had once told him I’d like to clear the brush and tress on my area as I do not want snakes or mice. He proclaimed there were none. I just let that bit go. I Knew better. Woods and brush = wildlife.

Well guess who has mice in her kitchen? Yep. That is right. They found a hole in the area under the kitchen sink. And my cat Magick is the Mouser of the House. She is so not the cat we have I’d have figured for a mouser. But she has caught & dispatched 4 out of 5 or 6 in 3 days time. My youngest wanted to keep one. I had her take it out to the same brush and let it go.

I draw the line at mice and lil rodents. We have dogs, and cats. Sometimes they are too much work, but they are also family.

Money is tight, times are tough, but you gotta laugh at the vagaries of life.

My landlord complained about my pets. He doesn’t like me because well I do not “kiss arse” or let him run roughshod over me. I do not do well with the fake “good ol boy” club.
So he gets ride of the neighbourhood cats, the mice come to play, and my cats are dealing well with my issues.
He is so not going to get an exterminator out here. Not this “slum lord”.

And yes as soon as I can afford to We are “Outta Here”. It takes money to move, if my sparkling wits and good looks could get me a place well .. you know the rest. lol

Times are Tough:

It is money that is needed, and that is not easily come by.
Yard Sales are not helping too much.
Folks are all hitting hard times in this area.
As it is I ‘let go of” my collectors dolls for “pennies”.
*sighs*
It put a bit of gas in the tank, and a few groceries on the table.
And this woman is Grateful to the Universe & Deities for these things.

Interesting Indeed & Tears:

There is a Chinese blessing and curse that goes like this:

“May You Live in Interesting Times.”

Seems I do. We all do to some extent or another.
For the 21st century is indeed giving us some Interesting Times.

So in the face of interesting times I am choosing to smile even as I shake my head over “Stuffage”. Laughter through tears works for me, and I get happy tears also.

Tears heal, they release stress, pent up emotions and they help when we are hurting too. There is no shame in crying. I think it takes a stronger person to shed the tears society tries to make us all hold in. I grew stronger when i gave myself permission to cry when I needed to. It taught my daughters it was okay to cry. I like a man that cries. It makes me think highly of him for caring. Too many close themselves off. That is the saddest thing to me, being closed off. I was for awhile. I was not being True to Myself.

I feel, thus I show emotions. I am not as exuberant in expressing them all the time, but I have the full gamut and range. I am trying to let out the girlish side that has so much Joie de vivre.

I wish all of you much Joie de Vivre. I wish you all Joy!

Shine Dark,
Starra

The Sad & Confused Inner Child

I get confused at words said. I need to ask outright “What do you mean by that?” But I admit to being a coward. What if I do not like the answers. What if I mess up something by asking?

My mind thinks of things said in the past to me, things done to me. (A mentor stated I act like a victim. In some places I am forced to agree with him.)

So when things like this happen the “little girl” in me truly needs and wants to curl up in a ball amidst the hurt and confusion. I may cry a bit. If exhausted already it triggers me. I do not mind honest Feelings, but I do mind allowing my insecurities to muck about with me.

Usually I like my mind. These times I do not like my mind at all for taking me backwards, and I do not like the mental health issues I live with either. The ones that affect my mood, my loved ones, work, play and most all other areas of my life honestly. Mild all mine might be, they still are there. I deal as best I can.  Soon I will get More help.

But in Life and THIS: I am what I am, It is what it is.

I know that I will get better. I will do better next time. I can learn from this.

And so I get all Inner Child, Young Girl. I curl up, I hug my pillows or my Stitch. (Yes I sleep with Stitch, I used to with my first Teddy Bear but he is fragile now.)

I have some Little Girl in me. This is when the Nurturing Man/Gentle Dom aka “Daddy” would come in handy. Strong reassuring arms are so longed for.

~~~~~~~~~

Alone, I Deal?

“So I best deal with it hadn’t I?”, says my heart & head, my Consciousness.
“And whilst you know it is okay to be sad for a time, it is not okay to wallow in it”,my Common Sense Nurturer psyche states.

So here I am awake from PTSD dreams. Not so bad this time. Caught myself a bad chill and was shivering and shaking those few hours of sleep my body allowed me. Now I am awake, thinking, and needing my Someone to talk to. But it is not possible so I am on my own.

Alone I have had to deal often and I still do it alone usually. I trust but i fear. Another thing I am working on in me. I can talk to others who understand (dear Friends) and have their own “hells” they deal with. I have a Psych Dr. (Good luck getting through to him though). And My Man, but well I hate bothering him with this as he is busy & has his things to do.

After 2 years of no one male to lean on I am “used to” being alone but not alone, a weird confusing pseudo-Independence. Living together Separated where the angst from the male is thick enough to cut with a knife, well that is not supportive. So yes, I am “used to” having to be my own Yin Yang. Male & Female balance within myself as it were. So I kick my butt dispassionately, I hug myself compassionately and IO TRY hard to move on, to grow, to prevail.

I see a big difference in myself the past few weeks, and the past year there is a marked difference. But I have so much farther to go on this Path of Self Discovery in the Journey we all call Life. I have a interesting road ahead and I woke up with Realisations that I need to do some things with more energy and a Can-Do attitude. So I will and I must.

Thanks for Listening.

Shining Dark Inside My Inner Child,
Starra

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“A grownup is a child with layers on.” ~ Woody Harrelson

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

~Robert Frost

“That that is is that that is. Not is not. Is that it? It is.”

This relates a simple philosophical proverb in the style of Parmenides that all that is, is, and that anything that does not exist does not.

~~~~~~~~

Not All That Random…

I believe in life we all see things from our own perspective. I refuse to make anyone feel wrong for that. Mine is my own. I may be wrong in my thinking. BUT it is up to me to change it. In time I will. I believe Life has lessons for all of us and that we grow as we are meant, change when we are meant to.My answers to the Tests are not going to be another persons. I do not think it can be, nor perhaps should be.

I taught my children at home. (Home Scoolinh) I was not the best or worst Moms or teachers. I have 3 daughters whom are all very different in personality and learning styles. I had to adapt to them, and to this teaching style too. I knew the cookie cutter ways of educating were not going to be of benefit to them, so we utilised what worked and tossed out what did not.

Was it a perfect method? No, it was not. But it is the best in that moment of time that I/we could do.

~~~

My Beliefs (Not Universal, Just My Own)

I do not believe in anyone having all the answers. I do not believe in anyone being able to fix another person. I do not believe in pushing others too hard or too fast (though i am guilty of that) . I do not believe I have the right to judge another’s levels of pain nor their ability to deal with them.

We all learn, grow, adapt, etc as differently as we are different. I try to see it in a place of acceptance. Being imperfect I fail at times and get impatient with the process.

You see I am so aware that I have “issues”. They are mine to deal with. Well honestly others in my life deal with them too as I am part of them and they me. Whomever we touch .

I do not mean to be problematic, nor do I wish anyone to think because of my abuse I consider myself a victim.

I see myself as a survivor, of my abuse and my life.
I am not whole. I know that. I am in fact so broken you can see the light from the moon, stars and sun through me.
Some might think that beautiful., Others might see me as too messed up.
I see me as Trying to grow strong in my broken places and Trying to be a useful “cracked pot”.

I respect all who are at least Trying. I also have compassion for those so hurt or hurt that cannot. I do not judge as I have been there. Judged and “hung” for my wrongs.

~~~

Compassion & Other Lessons From A Dear Friend:

A very groovy goddess Sister-Friend taught me a lot about things like this because she had been there and done that and had learned that seeking to be Living in the Moment, Living Authentically, Loving Compassionately & seeking to speak with Radical Honesty worked so well in her life and the lives of “Great Teachers” throughout history.

*note please that Radical Honesty does not give anyone of us the right to hurt others. It needs to be utilsed with Loving Compassion, Kindness, and Tolerance.

~~~

My Thinking & semi Disclaimer:

I am not in any way wanting or asking for pity, nor expecting understanding. I wrote this For Me.
For mostly I Write so as to understand my own mind and heart better.
I ask Questions so as to understand also. Though I have so many questions I can often annoy others with them.

So when I write for me and it touches or speaks to others I believe that Spirit has chosen to use me as a vessel or conduit. That is my perception of The Universe, God and/or Goddess. Spirit is thought to be a part of them All. It is what I asked years ago; to be used as a vessel or conduit for Spirit in my writing and in any blogging I do.

All of us can be used in a positive way for them to reach others. One hopes. It is to me a spiraling out to the world. It is a spiritual and personal concept that stems from my various pearl gathering and wisdom seeking as well as my Goddess Spirituality & Pagan thinking.

~~~

Things I Learned About Myself in Life 101 thus far:

I can and do and will fail. I will f**k up and I will hurt others by doing so. I will make the same mistakes twice and maybe more than that. Eventually my slow sided self will learn. (Or die trying) I am both smart and I am foolish.
I do not always trust my first impressions, insights &/or instincts often enough. I trust some folks a second and third time when I should not.
I trust some persons so much and am rewarded with the best possible folks in my life … some of whom have hurt me a lot & yet they are not bad people, only imperfect like myself. They can hurt me because I care for or love them.
I know if I care or love I open myself to being hurt. I chose to do this because closing myself off again is not a option for me.

I believe in the Possibilities of Love and I believe there are Soul Mates.

I believe in persons that no one else does and even if they hurt me or they screw up I do not stop liking or loving them. Some of them are chosen family, others are kin.

I will hurt you. I will fail. I will be thoughtless, unkind, insensitive, and rude perhaps.
I will be and can be kind, sweet, thoughtful, and loving.

I will try again and again and again to “get it right”. I rarely give up on others and on myself.

If I love you and you love me I’d rather hurt myself than hurt you. (I may still hurt you but I will die a thousand deaths for doing so and I will do most anything to make it up to you.) If you love me and I love you I am loyal, trustworthy and I stick. I will also do my utmost to help, to make your life better, take the blame again and again and think it is my fault things are wrong.

~~~

My “Truths”:

My truth is not going to be everyone else’s truth and that is okay.

I will love you to the detriment of my self.

I will agree to disagree so as to keep the peace between others and myself and to keep us friends or on friendly terms.

*** There are certain things of course that are ethical I will not agree with some about.

Please Note:

This Blog today is brought to by the Letter S and from my feeble brain that is aching from sinus, headache & crying pressures, and my sick stomach from these and from hurting others and in myself.
So it may make sense this blog or it make be rubbish.
I’d lay down to sleep some more if I did not think my vertigo would make me “toss cookies.” TMI I know.

I try to laugh at my self even when i do not feel like laughing at anything else.

Thanks for Listening.

Shine Dark,
Starra

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“Universal Truths” ?!

Universal Truth #8:Someone, somewhere will always be offended
Universal Truth # 10 The truth is no one knows the truth.
Universal Truth #11: Love cannot be faked.
Universal Truth # 64 Truth is infinite, understanding is finite

I am the first usually to forgive others there faults, flaws and mistakes. In fact I usually like a person better if they have more than a few flaws. I am not one that believes in perfection. We are always learning hopefully if and through the mistakes we make.

A friends sent me something I really appreciated reading again.  (See Below)
I intend to start taking the other street.

I try so hard to say and do things the right and in a sincere way. I gaff. Oh how I gaff. Mistakes are often made by me. So I apologise. I sincerely mean my apologies always; but even they can come out wrong at times.
Hells Bells! I am a Writer and still I muck it up?! Guess writers are imperfect persons too. *smiles* I know I am.

I am also a flawed and often emotional woman. I am a Mom that had made a truck bed of mistakes with my 3 daughters. (Thank goodness they love me enough to forgive me.)
As a women with a big gooey feeling heart, I care deeply. I love many folks. I like a lot of folks. I detest a few. I hate little because I think that it a waste of precious energies.

So, if I say I care I mean it. If I say “I love you” I most certainly mean it. The uppercase “I Love You” is going to be saved for The Right Man only.

I am Hoping I found Him or He me. Time tells this tale.
I just know I screw up a lot and I hope that by taking Another Street with Him, it will be all to the good.

If I must Walk Alone, I will endure and hopefully prevail in my New Life Chapters.

Shining Dimly Tonight, but still here…
Starra

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Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

I

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

TGIF

Well here it is Friday already. Long week yet in some ways went by quickly.

Freya is a Norse Goddess of Love and War. She is quite amazing. This is Her day. I wonder if that is why this is a usual “date night”? *winks*

My date will be online and I am happy as a lark about that.

~~~

Moved In & Tired

I am tired and a lil’ flustered, the unpacking & sorting IS a huge job. But I am okay, I am in my home, I have peace in my heart over so much these days. I have some great people in my life that make me feel wonderful. I have my daughters who when not making me irked make me laugh like a crazy person.

Now I do know if I do not start ripping up these dreadful carpets and look into getting a fence “somehow” (wonder if I can trade or barter for That?!), so as to get the dogs outside more often I will go batty in my belfry (Oops! too late) . I also need a place that is shady for them.

I miss my oak trees. It is all yard here and hot as heck by 10 am and earlier. I do not want sunstroke for my dogs. I nearly passed out Sunday from unpacking & such outside stuff. Not doing that again. Full sun and I do not get along.

I should have been a ginger as I do not do well in the sun at all. I was born strawberry blonde and had ginger grandparents.

Need to get a few ceiling fans & a water purifier  too. The South USA is hot hot hot & I have city water which you smell the chlorine in it. Blechy.

I have a mental list going. Now to get my labour crew in place. And to budget. Interesting being a kinda sorta single Mom. Interesting is a tongue in cheek statement.

It reminds me of the Chinese blessing/curse of:

“May you live in interesting times.”

I certainly do these days. Always have really. Even the “boring” bits, I look back and they were interesting in their own way. It is all about perspectives.

~~~

My Perspective

I could look at my life and be sad or angry, bitter otr despondent. So many divorced folks are. I chose to not hold onto these feelings and I worked through a lot early on in my decision to get divorced.

I have no so-called marketable skills according to the work world. Yet if I get creative, and I intend to, I will earn a goodly bit and take care of myself and family by doing so. My daughters are a lot like me (that is a good thing really!), and they have ideas percolating too.

Even the sky is not the limit as there footprints on the moon. (paraphrase mine)

My Mum used to tell me,
“The only limits are the ones you place on yourself. Believe you can and you will.”

My Mum is still a huge influence in my life and I hear her words of wisdom and humour every day. Her presence is still here and for that I am glad. I miss her hugs, soothing touch, and her laughter. But she is in my heart forever. I hear her saying “Keep Moving” and “Go For It” even now.

Okay Mom. I am listening. Thanks. I love you too.

Thanks for Listening Folks.

Shine Dark,
Starra

I write and I love, I nurture and oh gods how I screw up.

I feel like I ought to come with a warning sign:

Royally fucked up emotional wench

Beware the weepy woman!

It happens 2 to 3 times a month. (No not that time of the month. lol)

It is often coinciding with the aftermath of a hellacious amount of stress and/or my forgetting certain Rx Meds. Which also stems from stress and/or exhaustion.

~~~

The move is Almost done. Thank goodness. Unpacking & getting organised is not going to happen overnight.

More shitestorm to be faced though in the weeks ahead. I will not do details but it is yet another “deal” I have to go through due to “him” messing up some things and lying. And that he lives in denial.

~~~

I seek to face even the hard facts and also I seek to be open and honest. I tend to forget not all folks are like me. It is not wrong this, it just is what it is.

Though what the ex to be “he” has done IS wrong and I feel like a fool & then some for trusting him yet again.

My 24yo middle daughter after her ER and illnesses has been told to not work for a few months. Her body, immune system & nerves need to rest, So her last work day was Friday. The last 3 days she has had a migraine & I am trying to have her rest & sleep so she does not need a 3rd time in a month ER trip.

My 17 yo daughter is dealing with the blinders being ripped off by her father regarding his ways. It hurts to see and to see her have to deal with so many harsh realities at once. It means I will be working with her on Life Coping Skills.

Also I will be getting us girls into Counselling because of these life changes, the divorce, their Dad moving out & us womenfolk on our own mostly, etc etc etc.

~~~

I am not as strong as so many think I am. I get really weary of that. I guess if I wear any “masque” it is the strong woman one.
I am not looking to be saved, but I sure wish I had a Special Someone to Lean On.

But I have to suck it up and force myself to stand on my own. And I will. But like today I may have bouts of tears and lots of fears of “not being good enough”.

There I said it. I fear most men think I am not good enough.

Even as I type it I know I am a worthwhile woman deserving of love, respect, cherishing & more. Someday I may even get that. I sure have a ton of it in me to Give. *shrugs*

I am still steadfastly Choosing Love in my life.

Loving myself, others, stating My Truths and being honest. I fail & falter, I get up & kick my own arse.

I do not mean to hurt anyone by being so honest & open. I just do not feel right about my possibly misleading Anyone Else the way I have been in my past & recent past. It matters to me to Not be like the persons that lied to me & hurt me. It is why I state what I am, who I am, what my life is like & what I hope to find in life & love.

Long Term Committed Relationships are my thing. I just cannot be other than who I am.

~~~

Well that is that & I am going to try to rest if I can. My body aches, the vertigo i have is getting worse thus it is really messing me up, and even in these things Truly I am refusing to live in shadows or with fear. No way, no how.

I am moving forward and trusting in the Love of the Universe for the future as I take appropriate steps.

Shine Dark,
Starra

Had a few hard days. Stress causing my blood sugar to go wonky. I hate that. It scared me a bit too. I talked some of it out. Had to *not* get upset at a few things that could have been avoided & that is easier said than done, not to get upset.

But I am being very careful with me now & resting as & when I need to. I do not want a hospital stay or more issues.In my health issues one thing triggers the others. Akin to firecrackers going off. Not as loud though. *winks*

My Move is slow going. We had a lot of repairs to make on the trailer I will live in. I am anxious to Move Forward. But I cannot stress over it or … It is (such) a Catch 22 thing.

So Breathing Mindfully, Finding Joy & Humour in Life, and I find Laughing at myself helps too. I do so many to me odd, eccentric or silly things I end up laughing a lot.

Amazes me how others See Me. I think I value me, but it takes the words of Special Folks in my life to See My Worth. It is so wonderful to have Someone SEE Me.

Moving forward with a few things. Holding patterns in a few others.

I realised Finally today that IF someone were to ask me What are you? I’d actually have to say I am a Writer. Unpaid, unemployed,  …. but an aspiring Writer.

So time to DO all the monetary/work supplements to this Vocation & Love of Mine. Find the way for a few more Plans I have to be generating a “decent” for me income. I am a great Idea person.

Need to do more Yoga, Stretching & such. It helps. My back & my spirit both.

Hugs to All Who Need or Want Them.

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

“On the one hand, forgiving someone who has wronged you can be a way of letting go of things that were hurtful, and moving on into the future. On the other hand, nursing a healthy dose of anger can give one a source for empowerment, as long as we don’t let it consume us.” -Starhawk

“Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love.” -Gandhi

“Our capacity to make peace with another person and with the world depends very much on our capacity to make peace with ourselves.” - Thich Nhat Hahn

Apologies are sometimes necessary.

To the Tumblrverse and the D/s Lifestyle community in that much of what I said yesterday came from a wrong place. It was my opinions and though I may be entitled to them, I am not entitled to how I went about certain things. My apologies are offered with great sincerity.

More To Learn, Always

I did not realise I was so righteously angry until it was pointed out to me. I have reasons for it. I have the right to be angry. But in the end what does it serve me? Who is it helping? It is not helping me. It hurts me emotionally, physically & spiritually. I do not need it. I need to and am even now consciously working on Letting It Go.

Release it all so as to heal. And though I will not forget, I will grow from these experiences and not allow anyone or anything to harm me in the same ways ever again. I am taking back my power as it were. Not allowing the negatives to muck about with me.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the process of Forgiveness, I am also forgiving myself for things I have said and done. If I do not I will only feel guilty and start to loathe myself. I am often my own worst critic. I am thankful for wise counsel that has helped me see a reality I was refusing to. 

Now is the time of great changes to begin within and without me. I do not know who I will be on the other side. But I think I will like her a lot better. I am IMHO an okay person now, I want to be a better woman over all.

Thanks for Listening.

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

Life it turns on a dime. Things change so fast in my life you best hold onto your hat and anchor your feet firmly to the ground. Then there things that the more Things change the more they Stay the same.

I have not been writing simply because I am or was in limbo. All screeched to a halt with my move until Step 1, then Step 2. I liken it to setting up dominoes then you flick them over. Al fall down. I know it is all a process and looks a mess if you lack the vision or stand too close. Step back a bit, there… it all is in proper focus now See!. “Oh yeah”.
That folks has been my life and marriage for a (egads!) quarter of a century.

The man is an anomaly to me and my daughters most days.  My life and yes his has been such. I go more with The Flow of things. Try to take it in stride. He struggles, wrestles, gets tired, then gets po’d, Then he takes his frustrations out on me. I admit I can watch it unfold too. I do not put up with most of it. Some of this I choose to ignore. Other things I set my feet (and teeth) firmly and as he pushes at me or pulls, I dig in deeper. I detest arguments and strife. Though I can out argue the devil he says. I like peace.  *shrugs* So I pick my fights and refuse to waste my energies on things that will not matter in a day let alone a year or more from now.

This week saw my middle daughter in the ER again. Her boss is being a jerk. She is his reliable & hardest worker. (he stated this) and now he is treating her like dirt and threatening her her job. her Dr stated she needs to get out of their. So she is just now telling me “I used to look forward to going to work”. Not the case now. I understand her feelings. The job market is in a sorry state here as it is across the country.

My youngest  daughter is a sweet thing. But she worries about me as I am her Touchstone as well as the Cornerstone in & of hr life. And here I am working on Not worrying. Anxiety disorders. “Gotta love em” NOT. My meds are a blessing. My new found sense of Self-Worth or Returned and Renewed  actually, which is quite wonderful. Not much changed except my attitude. Yet it shows and my friends say I am All Shiny again. (Firefly fans know what I mean) Also I Shine Dark and the friends who know that meaning of that see me all sparkly (no not like the fake vampires of twilight!) too. So I say “It is all good”. Even if the light at the end of the tunnel flickers a bit. I am keeping My Faith in good things ahead for me & mine.

It is all part of Life 101 I have stated for years to the folks who read me. Life is our Classroom, Living is the Lesson. And me, I am still learning and I so I am a forever learning Student of Life. I like it this way.

Thanks for Listening!

Shining In The Dark,
Starra

I am not even in my wee trailer and I am Dreaming Dreams of the West Coast. Pacific North West to be exact.

I have a friend or three in the Seattle area. My middle daughter has a dear & best friend that wants to move their & for them to be Roomies. I think it is a grand idea and she ought to go for it. If she stays here, well there is no shiny future in this area.

Most youth go into the military because it is a poor area and the propaganda is Everywhere in the schools and parents push their kids out of the house once they hit 18. Homelessness and drug use, crime and apathy. We got it all in this county & the counties surrounding us.

She is not one to go for ANY of that, but the job market is abysmal, as is this area. So I Hope she chooses to get the hell out of “Dodge”.

~~~~~~~~~

I told her while I had my eye on Portland, Oregon I am flexible. I like the Washington State area and I’d be okay to move on the veritable shoestring.

Which is what I aim to do in the sense of downsizing and selling off as much as I can. Donate the rest. Maybe sell my car too. Then youngest daughter and I who are a TEAM will move/pack Light.

Shoestrings are stronger than most think, as am I. Even when I doubt myself. ;)

No future for her here really. A lot more opportunities on the West Coat & Pacific NW is artsy and much more Liberal than the “Flying Bible Belt Buckle” this has been termed by the Pagans & Liberal Thinkers. :)

It is sad. The Pagans and older Hippies keep to themselves. We have to. Prejudice, Fear & Ignorance are a cocktail or a well that all too many drink from.

I know I can & will find Something wherever we do go, be it Washington or Oregon. And I aim to get myself ready in Mind, Body, Spirit. My Skills and Abilities need to get a good shine and honing. I need to be sharp and useful. So I darn well will be.

~~~~~~~~~~

So I am not sinking deep roots. I will reside in my trailer & work my round bottom off to get a Nest Egg whilst trying to get by. The ex is becoming the Jerk again. He is a passive aggressive type that can get scary. I have to get out of this marriage and make sure he does right by our youngest and by me as all he does or does not do is going to affect her future.

Stress…. It is not just for breakfast any more. Ugh.

Still fighting this Sleep Sickness Vitus and my youngest has it too. So, pack, de-clutter, & pitch. MOVE.
Get all I need in order and done so as to Be Independent of “Him” totally.

I get tired thinking of it all. But I Will Prevail.

Shining a Bit Dimly Today, But I AM Still Shining In The Dark,

Starra

PS

New Blog

Starra’s Writings

I do not know what hurts worse.

The fact that the relationship could have worked IF ….

Or that he did not want it too (or so it seems)

I am NOT blaming him. I had my part in it. It takes Two to Tango.

But I am sick over this literally. Feel like I could just be ill.

~~~~~~~~

Well now I have all the time in the world to get my f’ed up life straight. Not as f’ed up as I think it is. But it has its moments. As do I.

I am like a wild arsed pendulum of emotions. I am mad, sad, grieving, then with my youngest daughter, I have to do my best to be “Okay”.

She is so sweet. She knows I am hurting & sad, feel guilty for being a bitch too. She hugs me and we talk about the trailer, plans we have, the gardens we want. She makes me laugh at the pets antics and at things going on with her.

My middle daughter thinks I need to get out and date. Maybe I do. But my heart is still “his”. I am a idiot but I do not unlove people in a week or a few days.

Then well-meaning friends state I need to Get Some (sex). I am not all about sex. I am not a prude but I am not wanting to just get laid. Not my thing. I am a relationship person. *shrugs*

So, I will Be Alone as I told “him” I would be. If anything happened between us I had No Intentions of going out and being crazy. Rebound action is also not my gig. I was committed to him and him only.

So, I think it is time for Therapy & to get a decent schedule going. To sleep on a better schedule too so my over all health & mental health is eased by the doing so.

~~~
How apropos, I am weepy emo wench and a good storm has blown in. I think the Goddess knows I am sad and hurting. I need the rains, it is my thing rain is.

I will get better. Things will get better. It all just freakin’ has to. I am only so strong.

Thanks For Listening.

Dimly Shining in the Dark,
Starra

LEARN from this “break up” and my past relationships what not to do or allow,. to not let it make me bitter or insecure in myself.

SEEK to Be Peace.

Take better care of my self because I do not when I am sad and/or depressed.

Say No to myself about jumping into anything at all. (My friend wants me to move to Texas)

Have more Positive Folks in My Life and as My Friends.

Save and Live Simply.

Exercise more and eat healthier.

Become More and More Independent.

To Write and Write some more.

To Date, not to limit myself socially.

To go out with my daughters, enjoy more sunsets at the beach, go on some Day Trips (later) with my youngest daughter. (She has such lovely Ideas & Plans.)

AND

To learn to be Happy Alone but not close myself off to Love and Relationships.

To never allow anyone, nor myself, to stop me from being True to Myself or making me feel I am wrong for who and what I am.

~~~~~~~~~

Thanks For Listening.

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

Sore throats become strep throat.

Hearts become heartaches that break mine.

Packing gets derailed by illness.

Friends reach out and you cannot find total ease even there.

Life goes on, Time marches on, you deal or you get trampled underneath.

I will stay home whilst both my daughters go to Urgent Care to be seen and cared for. I had to argue with their father to Be a Dad. I am unwell but do not need to se the Dr. I need Something. But I am home, I will pack more of my books. Try not to fall as my vertigo/dizzy spells/nausea are really a mess.

But I Have to Move & Do & Move Out & Open My New Chapter in the Book called My Life.

I only know I tried to Be There and yet it seems it was not enough.

I know I AM Enough, but I feel ..  never mind.

~~~~~~~~~

Life will go on with or without my feeling whatever. So I will let the tides take me where it will. Too heartsick to fight and to unwell to care if I am okay.Just want those I Love to be okay. ALL the ones I LOVE matter to me.

Love does not die even if hearts hurt and it can live in one like mine that is fallible and as fucked up as I am. Human hearts are amazing and mine has too much love in it or sop I have been told.

Yet, what is “Too Much Love”?

I really do not know.

Shining In The Dark,
Starra