Chapter 2012 - Page Seventy Six of 365
Compassion, Apathy & My Heart
Compassion is something I have a lot of because of my past. I am a Survivor. I got through. I am on a Road to Recovery. It is a odd time in my life with a dozen changes going on at once. Life always has decided I can or will handle a lot at once. I just figure it out and deal as best I can. I am not always “Graceful” under pressure. I understand just how hard and scary it is to hurt physically, mentally, emotionally and to think about or want to “end it all”. I have stood at the edge of the Abyss and it has stared back at me.
I see Apathy as a bigger disease in our world than the worries of me and my “heart on my sleeve” malady. I understand both all too well as I have felt both, and I do not want to slip into apathy if I can help it. It is a cold harsh place that is quite terrifying to me. My stay was just long enough to wake me up. Depression can and does make a person apathetic, as can the RX medication a person needs to take. In my deepest times of depression I stop caring about myself first, then I get numb to the world and strangers. If I ever get so bad I stop caring about my kids; that is when I want drastic measures taken. I was there once. It gives me chills.
The Apathy in the world today is disturbing. You can see it everywhere you look. To me it is a epidemic.
I will never understand being “too busy” to help another, or to rescue or come to the aid of a child or animal in need. Those who can should do. Those who cannot should get the aid they need or get out of the way I hear some a bit tougher minded than I am state. (“Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way” is what my Mom used to say.)
I at times am simplistic, and seemingly naive in my ways. It is my simple creed to Help Others if I can. In helping others we are helping and often healing ourselves. We grow strong in the places we need to; often in our broken places. I try to do for others what was not done for me.
My Heart is often seemingly worn on my sleeve to many persons dismay. I try to explain that I do not know how to be any other way. I do not wear it there for attention. I do not seek to get hurt, although I do. That is the risk I take in caring. Too much at times maybe, I learned a long time ago how to say “No” and mean it. To unplug from “drama” and to rest myself. Healing Myself as it were so I can help others heal and help themselves.
I am a Sensitive person, and I Know Myself well. (Too well sometimes)
Though I seem weak or too sensitive to folks, I am a stronger person for being this way. In spite of the hurts, I will grow older, hopefully wiser, and I will love as unconditionally as I can all the days given me by the Univers and Deity.
Because of who and what I am, I have people who trust me deeply who trust no one else because I do not judge and I “Love Them Where They Are At”. I do not want to put up the walls of my youth and be afraid of caring. Nor place expectations on folks to be what I or the world think or believe they “should be”.
My hope is that my ways of being can be accepted if not fully understood by my folks in my life. I am after all at the end of the day “Just Me”. A screwed up, loving, fallible, moody, caring woman who hopes to be loved in spite of her faults and failings.
Thanks for Listening.
Shining in the Dark,