The Sad & Confused Inner Child
I get confused at words said. I need to ask outright “What do you mean by that?” But I admit to being a coward. What if I do not like the answers. What if I mess up something by asking?
My mind thinks of things said in the past to me, things done to me. (A mentor stated I act like a victim. In some places I am forced to agree with him.)
So when things like this happen the “little girl” in me truly needs and wants to curl up in a ball amidst the hurt and confusion. I may cry a bit. If exhausted already it triggers me. I do not mind honest Feelings, but I do mind allowing my insecurities to muck about with me.
Usually I like my mind. These times I do not like my mind at all for taking me backwards, and I do not like the mental health issues I live with either. The ones that affect my mood, my loved ones, work, play and most all other areas of my life honestly. Mild all mine might be, they still are there. I deal as best I can. Soon I will get More help.
But in Life and THIS: I am what I am, It is what it is.
I know that I will get better. I will do better next time. I can learn from this.
And so I get all Inner Child, Young Girl. I curl up, I hug my pillows or my Stitch. (Yes I sleep with Stitch, I used to with my first Teddy Bear but he is fragile now.)
I have some Little Girl in me. This is when the Nurturing Man/Gentle Dom aka “Daddy” would come in handy. Strong reassuring arms are so longed for.
Alone, I Deal?
“So I best deal with it hadn’t I?”, says my heart & head, my Consciousness.
“And whilst you know it is okay to be sad for a time, it is not okay to wallow in it”,my Common Sense Nurturer psyche states.
So here I am awake from PTSD dreams. Not so bad this time. Caught myself a bad chill and was shivering and shaking those few hours of sleep my body allowed me. Now I am awake, thinking, and needing my Someone to talk to. But it is not possible so I am on my own.
Alone I have had to deal often and I still do it alone usually. I trust but i fear. Another thing I am working on in me. I can talk to others who understand (dear Friends) and have their own “hells” they deal with. I have a Psych Dr. (Good luck getting through to him though). And My Man, but well I hate bothering him with this as he is busy & has his things to do.
After 2 years of no one male to lean on I am “used to” being alone but not alone, a weird confusing pseudo-Independence. Living together Separated where the angst from the male is thick enough to cut with a knife, well that is not supportive. So yes, I am “used to” having to be my own Yin Yang. Male & Female balance within myself as it were. So I kick my butt dispassionately, I hug myself compassionately and IO TRY hard to move on, to grow, to prevail.
I see a big difference in myself the past few weeks, and the past year there is a marked difference. But I have so much farther to go on this Path of Self Discovery in the Journey we all call Life. I have a interesting road ahead and I woke up with Realisations that I need to do some things with more energy and a Can-Do attitude. So I will and I must.
Thanks for Listening.
Shining Dark Inside My Inner Child,
“A grownup is a child with layers on.” ~ Woody Harrelson
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.