The Sad & Confused Inner Child

I get confused at words said. I need to ask outright “What do you mean by that?” But I admit to being a coward. What if I do not like the answers. What if I mess up something by asking?

My mind thinks of things said in the past to me, things done to me. (A mentor stated I act like a victim. In some places I am forced to agree with him.)

So when things like this happen the “little girl” in me truly needs and wants to curl up in a ball amidst the hurt and confusion. I may cry a bit. If exhausted already it triggers me. I do not mind honest Feelings, but I do mind allowing my insecurities to muck about with me.

Usually I like my mind. These times I do not like my mind at all for taking me backwards, and I do not like the mental health issues I live with either. The ones that affect my mood, my loved ones, work, play and most all other areas of my life honestly. Mild all mine might be, they still are there. I deal as best I can.  Soon I will get More help.

But in Life and THIS: I am what I am, It is what it is.

I know that I will get better. I will do better next time. I can learn from this.

And so I get all Inner Child, Young Girl. I curl up, I hug my pillows or my Stitch. (Yes I sleep with Stitch, I used to with my first Teddy Bear but he is fragile now.)

I have some Little Girl in me. This is when the Nurturing Man/Gentle Dom aka “Daddy” would come in handy. Strong reassuring arms are so longed for.

~~~~~~~~~

Alone, I Deal?

“So I best deal with it hadn’t I?”, says my heart & head, my Consciousness.
“And whilst you know it is okay to be sad for a time, it is not okay to wallow in it”,my Common Sense Nurturer psyche states.

So here I am awake from PTSD dreams. Not so bad this time. Caught myself a bad chill and was shivering and shaking those few hours of sleep my body allowed me. Now I am awake, thinking, and needing my Someone to talk to. But it is not possible so I am on my own.

Alone I have had to deal often and I still do it alone usually. I trust but i fear. Another thing I am working on in me. I can talk to others who understand (dear Friends) and have their own “hells” they deal with. I have a Psych Dr. (Good luck getting through to him though). And My Man, but well I hate bothering him with this as he is busy & has his things to do.

After 2 years of no one male to lean on I am “used to” being alone but not alone, a weird confusing pseudo-Independence. Living together Separated where the angst from the male is thick enough to cut with a knife, well that is not supportive. So yes, I am “used to” having to be my own Yin Yang. Male & Female balance within myself as it were. So I kick my butt dispassionately, I hug myself compassionately and IO TRY hard to move on, to grow, to prevail.

I see a big difference in myself the past few weeks, and the past year there is a marked difference. But I have so much farther to go on this Path of Self Discovery in the Journey we all call Life. I have a interesting road ahead and I woke up with Realisations that I need to do some things with more energy and a Can-Do attitude. So I will and I must.

Thanks for Listening.

Shining Dark Inside My Inner Child,
Starra

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“A grownup is a child with layers on.” ~ Woody Harrelson

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

~Robert Frost

I am thankful for it being Friday.
Freya’s day again, She whom is the Goddess of Love (& War/Battle).

Prayer to Freya

Empower me with Your fortitude dear Lady in the days ahead. Some will be bleak and I will be afraid, give me courage to face all I needs must face with great Love, grace, and renew my spirit often.

~May It Be So~

~~~

I am thankful for Friday too for all of you who work so hard;  you deserve a weekend of fun & pleasures. Enjoy!

Thankful for another day alive always.

Thankful for He who is in my life.
You are the Gardener of My Heart & Soul dear Sir. 

Thankful for My Family in my 3 daughters. The Friends who are Made Family. Thankful for the presence of my Mom in my life even though she has Crossed Over. For all the positive role models in her Made Family, My Aunts.

~~~

My middle daughter has a few health issues. Migraines that put her in the ER, a Kidney disease and Fibromyalgia. She is a brave soul and if she were not my daughter I’d be thankful and proud to cal her My Friend.
This is the one I can confide in, yet I try not to too much as, Hey my daughter you know?! But we are like the barometer to one another in life.

She is once again in the ER. She hit her head hard this morning & we kept a watchful eye on her throughout the day. She woke me up to let me know the migraine had come on and she needed to go in. It is a hard deal. Long wait times but not as bad as they could be.
Her Dad is with her. He is learning to be a better Advocate. She may be an adult at 24, but when you are in this much pain you Need someone and she does.

The medical folks will often ignore a person alone and one her age, they assume the worst regarding pain meds and a person getting immune to them. (It happens, I should know). They do not do tests that she needs according to all her Specialists. (Hell hath no fury like her Specialists. They love her.)

~~~

So yes I am Thankful because I think of those without Insurance, without proper medical care facilities and medicines. Even clean drinking water or a way to sterilise things. I think of the Third World issues and I refuse to “moan, groan & complain” (too much) about how hard I/we have it.

~~~

My youngest was in the Urgent Care last night and I am shaking my head at this illness deal we seem to be having in the family. I really wonder how much of it is stress and the toxicity of our former house with its black mold & more.

An acquaintance/friend is getting me Info on Natural Ways to heal us, and I am going to work hard to get the money to pay for these things.

I may have a messed up back & lousy health nowadays, but I have a good mind (forgetful at times as I may be) but still good. So I will use my mind instead of my back to earn and care for us all.

~~~

Thankful am I for being a smart person and strong of will. For this means I Will Prevail. And my daughters will also. I hope to set an example for them that the only limits are the ones we place on ourselves and to not allow society to tell you you cannot do something because of gender or anything else. They know, but it is still good to Do.

~~~

Life goes on. Love is a choice I have made.

I boot fear out like an unwanted visitor. I cry when I need to. I laugh more often. I smile for Good Reason. I am happy and sad, thankful and glad. Concerned for Loved Ones and I choose to Think Positive and Love Them through ALL that may come our way.

I believe we must remember we do have choices. I am making mine daily. I hope they bear good fruit and bless the lives of others too.

Thanks for Listening.

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

~~~~~~~~~

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ~ Marcel Proust

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” ~ Thornton Wilder

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” ~ Albert Schweitzer

“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

Silence is golden, or so the saying goes.

For me some silences are quite lovely and yet some silence is The Silent Scream to many and there are others that are a hell for me.

Stupid you might say. Enjoy the silence whilst you can.

I do enjoy the silence of and in nature, the silent household when everyone else is snug in their beds sleeping, the silence of a shower or bath to relax in. All these I do enjoy.

But some silences leave me thinking the worst, whilst still others are like a klaxon in my head. Silence so loud and painful my spirit starts to shrivel with it.

My family loved to use The Silent Treatment on each other, yet in my house voices were either raised (my Dad) or it got quiet voiced (Mom) and doors and cabinets, dishes, pots and pans slammed and clanged in a passive aggressive “silence” that made tensions higher than a sensitive kid like I was could handle.

When this happened, the yelling or Noisy Silences, I headed for the backyard and my trees or when I had a room of my own I escaped to books and music.

I am silent only if I am terribly upset or I am deep in thought. I let my daughters know which is which so they do not think I am upset with them. I am silent also in mediation and my yoga.

We are big on communication and promoting deeper understanding my daughters and I. (Their father is a terrible communicator and is more passive aggressive than my mother was.)

So the girls and I, we talk often and yet we all enjoy the silence or “Quiet Times”. To recharge our soul batteries, to rest our busy minds, to be alone within ourselves. All are healthy for a person.

I do love those sweet and beautiful Companionable Silences. The rare kind where with a look or touch you can express all that is in you at that place in time. I long for those someday. I long for that kind of intimacy and loving understanding, to give it to the Him that I am with in my life.

I still hope for things like that even as I think it is not going to happen for such as I. I get these thoughts and I try my utmost to send them away like a strong wind with clouds on a pretty day. They are not always cooperative.

I hope to make better friends with certain silences, to not fear other kinds of silence, and to understand other folks silences also.

I am trying is all I can say. But a lot of times they make me worried and sad. My issues there.

Enjoy the Silences as you will & Thanks for “listening”.

Shine Dark,
Starra

~~~~~~~~~

“Silence is so freaking loud”
― Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

“I don’t want to be married just to be married. I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can’t talk to, or worse, someone I can’t be silent with.”
― Mary Ann Shaffer, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

“I have never heard a more eloquent silence.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

“…I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.”
― Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

“Skies are crying,
I am watching,
Catching teardrops in my hands.
Only silence, as it’s ending,
Like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel
Like there’s nothing left of me?”
― Demi Lovato

~~~~~~~~~

Why do we make the same mistakes over and over again? Is it just being human? Is it lacking common sense, believing too much in others or not enough, as well as not enough in ourselves?

Is it because I am a seemingly perpetual screw up?? *shrugs*

Sometimes I think that. Other times I just laugh at my self and shrug things off.

Some mistakes I believe are part of my life lessons. Some I have made I will never regret. They shaped me and made me stronger and better.
Some of my mistakes I think are stemming from my oh so human frailty and my damaged self. Some so-called mistakes are not mistakes at all but part of a bigger than I am plan.

I know many of my mistakes stem from my past. That many come too from my inner child whom is insecure, hurt easily, scared of rejection, of abandonment and fears to reach out lest she be slapped for it. So the woman in me starts to expect all of this.She over thinks and worries, she who is so emotional that she wears her heart on her sleeve. These days I am really trying to strike a balance in thinking and feeling. A Yin Yang or Scales of Balance deal. Yet I feel like I am on tilt of late.

~~~

I am only now in my “maturity” becoming more secure in my self and loving me more. It shows in my sexuality and sensuality, in my non-judgment of others (for the most part), my acceptance of things in my life and otherwise, and seeking to let go of things as quickly as I can process them.

I made so many bad decisions recently. In doing so I not only hurt myself, I hurt folks I care for and about and whom I love. I was foolish. I was human. I was emotional. I was reactive. I was dealing with deeper issues that I had no idea were going on in me until it was too late. No excuses. I FUBAR’d.

I do not know yet the full outcome of my actions, and of my inner child and scared woman reacting and not thinking clearly.

I know I stand to lose a lot that is of utmost importance to me. It hurts to know this. It makes me grieved, and mad at myself too. Even as I feel all this, I am in the process of forgiving myself for my faults and frailties. Seeking to love myself with compassion. To learn from it all.

Life’s Lessons are not easy. I do not think they are meant to be. Easy things we’d be apt to forget. If it is hard it stays with us usually.

If I have screwed up everything by my failings and stupidity I will only have myself to blame. That hurts to know.
I swing from tears to more processing and figuring out my why-fores; so as to hopefully become a smarter and wiser person. To not hurt anyone else or myself in this way again, to grow from all of this.

May it be so.

I also hope in time those I have hurt will choose to forgive me. For I am deeply sorry for any hurt and harm my actions have caused.

Shining Dimly Tonight,
Starra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe

“We are all mistaken sometimes; sometimes we do wrong things, things that have bad consequences. But it does not mean we are evil, or that we cannot be trusted ever afterward.”
~ Alison Croggon

“Mistakes are the growing pains of wisdom.”
~ William Jordan

“That that is is that that is. Not is not. Is that it? It is.”

This relates a simple philosophical proverb in the style of Parmenides that all that is, is, and that anything that does not exist does not.

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Not All That Random…

I believe in life we all see things from our own perspective. I refuse to make anyone feel wrong for that. Mine is my own. I may be wrong in my thinking. BUT it is up to me to change it. In time I will. I believe Life has lessons for all of us and that we grow as we are meant, change when we are meant to.My answers to the Tests are not going to be another persons. I do not think it can be, nor perhaps should be.

I taught my children at home. (Home Scoolinh) I was not the best or worst Moms or teachers. I have 3 daughters whom are all very different in personality and learning styles. I had to adapt to them, and to this teaching style too. I knew the cookie cutter ways of educating were not going to be of benefit to them, so we utilised what worked and tossed out what did not.

Was it a perfect method? No, it was not. But it is the best in that moment of time that I/we could do.

~~~

My Beliefs (Not Universal, Just My Own)

I do not believe in anyone having all the answers. I do not believe in anyone being able to fix another person. I do not believe in pushing others too hard or too fast (though i am guilty of that) . I do not believe I have the right to judge another’s levels of pain nor their ability to deal with them.

We all learn, grow, adapt, etc as differently as we are different. I try to see it in a place of acceptance. Being imperfect I fail at times and get impatient with the process.

You see I am so aware that I have “issues”. They are mine to deal with. Well honestly others in my life deal with them too as I am part of them and they me. Whomever we touch .

I do not mean to be problematic, nor do I wish anyone to think because of my abuse I consider myself a victim.

I see myself as a survivor, of my abuse and my life.
I am not whole. I know that. I am in fact so broken you can see the light from the moon, stars and sun through me.
Some might think that beautiful., Others might see me as too messed up.
I see me as Trying to grow strong in my broken places and Trying to be a useful “cracked pot”.

I respect all who are at least Trying. I also have compassion for those so hurt or hurt that cannot. I do not judge as I have been there. Judged and “hung” for my wrongs.

~~~

Compassion & Other Lessons From A Dear Friend:

A very groovy goddess Sister-Friend taught me a lot about things like this because she had been there and done that and had learned that seeking to be Living in the Moment, Living Authentically, Loving Compassionately & seeking to speak with Radical Honesty worked so well in her life and the lives of “Great Teachers” throughout history.

*note please that Radical Honesty does not give anyone of us the right to hurt others. It needs to be utilsed with Loving Compassion, Kindness, and Tolerance.

~~~

My Thinking & semi Disclaimer:

I am not in any way wanting or asking for pity, nor expecting understanding. I wrote this For Me.
For mostly I Write so as to understand my own mind and heart better.
I ask Questions so as to understand also. Though I have so many questions I can often annoy others with them.

So when I write for me and it touches or speaks to others I believe that Spirit has chosen to use me as a vessel or conduit. That is my perception of The Universe, God and/or Goddess. Spirit is thought to be a part of them All. It is what I asked years ago; to be used as a vessel or conduit for Spirit in my writing and in any blogging I do.

All of us can be used in a positive way for them to reach others. One hopes. It is to me a spiraling out to the world. It is a spiritual and personal concept that stems from my various pearl gathering and wisdom seeking as well as my Goddess Spirituality & Pagan thinking.

~~~

Things I Learned About Myself in Life 101 thus far:

I can and do and will fail. I will f**k up and I will hurt others by doing so. I will make the same mistakes twice and maybe more than that. Eventually my slow sided self will learn. (Or die trying) I am both smart and I am foolish.
I do not always trust my first impressions, insights &/or instincts often enough. I trust some folks a second and third time when I should not.
I trust some persons so much and am rewarded with the best possible folks in my life … some of whom have hurt me a lot & yet they are not bad people, only imperfect like myself. They can hurt me because I care for or love them.
I know if I care or love I open myself to being hurt. I chose to do this because closing myself off again is not a option for me.

I believe in the Possibilities of Love and I believe there are Soul Mates.

I believe in persons that no one else does and even if they hurt me or they screw up I do not stop liking or loving them. Some of them are chosen family, others are kin.

I will hurt you. I will fail. I will be thoughtless, unkind, insensitive, and rude perhaps.
I will be and can be kind, sweet, thoughtful, and loving.

I will try again and again and again to “get it right”. I rarely give up on others and on myself.

If I love you and you love me I’d rather hurt myself than hurt you. (I may still hurt you but I will die a thousand deaths for doing so and I will do most anything to make it up to you.) If you love me and I love you I am loyal, trustworthy and I stick. I will also do my utmost to help, to make your life better, take the blame again and again and think it is my fault things are wrong.

~~~

My “Truths”:

My truth is not going to be everyone else’s truth and that is okay.

I will love you to the detriment of my self.

I will agree to disagree so as to keep the peace between others and myself and to keep us friends or on friendly terms.

*** There are certain things of course that are ethical I will not agree with some about.

Please Note:

This Blog today is brought to by the Letter S and from my feeble brain that is aching from sinus, headache & crying pressures, and my sick stomach from these and from hurting others and in myself.
So it may make sense this blog or it make be rubbish.
I’d lay down to sleep some more if I did not think my vertigo would make me “toss cookies.” TMI I know.

I try to laugh at my self even when i do not feel like laughing at anything else.

Thanks for Listening.

Shine Dark,
Starra

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“Universal Truths” ?!

Universal Truth #8:Someone, somewhere will always be offended
Universal Truth # 10 The truth is no one knows the truth.
Universal Truth #11: Love cannot be faked.
Universal Truth # 64 Truth is infinite, understanding is finite

The Move

Well except for my need to ritually Cleanse the “old house”, *I* am done over there. Some “issues” left to deal with in regards to that place but at least now our “stuff” is here or in storage.
So the next lil while I get to sort, toss. sell, donate and find places for said Stuff. My yard looks like we have a Yard Sale going on. A mess and we have possibility of rain.

I am under orders to Not do heavy lifting & stay hydrated.:)

I love when Someone cares enough about me to tell me these things. Not had enough TLC in my life heretofore.

~~~

“I love it when a plan comes together” - Hannibal, The A-Team

“I love it when LIFE comes together.” - Starra Neely Blade

Synchronicity:

The simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.

Some of us call it The Flow, or Living in The Flow.

I find the more I Chose Love & ditch fear I am In the Flow. The Universe is transpiring to make things happen. Maybe that is “too” whatever for some folks. A lot of Good and helping me to avoid pitfalls of late. I am also learning to stand firmly and to be forthright about my needs, as well as the need to know the truth from others and about things, and you can do this without being rude. Seems too many think they have to “get what they want or need” by being rude and demanding.

I find that for me it is far better to be strong, firm, and to use good manners and be as respectful as possible. You really do not have to be rude even if that seems to be the “norm” from the media world.

I just Know What I Know and Synchronicity is at work in all aspects of my life. I feel loved and blessed by the Goddess/Universe.

~~~

Teachers & Learning

I am still Learning & glad for the Teachers that are in my life. These teachers include my daughters. They are teaching me more patience and yes to stand strong and firm. They need me to do so and to work to keep our lives together from unravelling. They need the security they find in my love and my empowerment.
The security we have not had with my ex to be, their dad.

They also remind me (teach me) when I get sad or scared, it is okay to show that I am. It is not weakness to be human. They  also tell me, “It is okay to feel these things”.

Though I teach this, I forget to be kind to myself, to treat myself as I would a friend and/or loved one. To have compassion and understanding with myself. To allow myself the time and the process.

~~~~~~~~~

 Time to wake up my daughters and hope they are able to help a bit. It was a hard thing the last clean & pack session at the old place. (No electric on & ugh the bug season is upon us.)
So this day will unfold as it will. I refuse to push when there is no need and we women-folk are respecting The Process and this home of ours is meant to be a Home full of Peace and that is why we also called it “Haven”.  Safe and peaceful, a retreat from our old lives.

So, on to forage for breakfast, need my coffee too. To get “stuff” done indoors and out. And my dog is waiting for his walk.

Hope you all have a Splendiferous Day & a lovely weekend too.

Shine Dark,
Starra

I write and I love, I nurture and oh gods how I screw up.

I feel like I ought to come with a warning sign:

Royally fucked up emotional wench

Beware the weepy woman!

It happens 2 to 3 times a month. (No not that time of the month. lol)

It is often coinciding with the aftermath of a hellacious amount of stress and/or my forgetting certain Rx Meds. Which also stems from stress and/or exhaustion.

~~~

The move is Almost done. Thank goodness. Unpacking & getting organised is not going to happen overnight.

More shitestorm to be faced though in the weeks ahead. I will not do details but it is yet another “deal” I have to go through due to “him” messing up some things and lying. And that he lives in denial.

~~~

I seek to face even the hard facts and also I seek to be open and honest. I tend to forget not all folks are like me. It is not wrong this, it just is what it is.

Though what the ex to be “he” has done IS wrong and I feel like a fool & then some for trusting him yet again.

My 24yo middle daughter after her ER and illnesses has been told to not work for a few months. Her body, immune system & nerves need to rest, So her last work day was Friday. The last 3 days she has had a migraine & I am trying to have her rest & sleep so she does not need a 3rd time in a month ER trip.

My 17 yo daughter is dealing with the blinders being ripped off by her father regarding his ways. It hurts to see and to see her have to deal with so many harsh realities at once. It means I will be working with her on Life Coping Skills.

Also I will be getting us girls into Counselling because of these life changes, the divorce, their Dad moving out & us womenfolk on our own mostly, etc etc etc.

~~~

I am not as strong as so many think I am. I get really weary of that. I guess if I wear any “masque” it is the strong woman one.
I am not looking to be saved, but I sure wish I had a Special Someone to Lean On.

But I have to suck it up and force myself to stand on my own. And I will. But like today I may have bouts of tears and lots of fears of “not being good enough”.

There I said it. I fear most men think I am not good enough.

Even as I type it I know I am a worthwhile woman deserving of love, respect, cherishing & more. Someday I may even get that. I sure have a ton of it in me to Give. *shrugs*

I am still steadfastly Choosing Love in my life.

Loving myself, others, stating My Truths and being honest. I fail & falter, I get up & kick my own arse.

I do not mean to hurt anyone by being so honest & open. I just do not feel right about my possibly misleading Anyone Else the way I have been in my past & recent past. It matters to me to Not be like the persons that lied to me & hurt me. It is why I state what I am, who I am, what my life is like & what I hope to find in life & love.

Long Term Committed Relationships are my thing. I just cannot be other than who I am.

~~~

Well that is that & I am going to try to rest if I can. My body aches, the vertigo i have is getting worse thus it is really messing me up, and even in these things Truly I am refusing to live in shadows or with fear. No way, no how.

I am moving forward and trusting in the Love of the Universe for the future as I take appropriate steps.

Shine Dark,
Starra

About Life, Living, Loving… Passionately and Compassionately.

I really do not know how else to be or live. I am deep waters and stormy afternoons. I want to be these things to One Man and One Man Only. If He wants me too.

Time. I think we take it for granted. Oh you have plenty of time for this or that. You hear that all the time. I think it is a crock. I think we need to stop thinking we have all the time to do or be, love and live. Time flies by.

I just had my firstborn child yesterday, now she is 26. What? Wait, how???
I blinked and 26 years went by. Yet I know more so the past 6 to 16 years were the fastest in my life thus far. My “baby” is almost legal age. Even she is awed by that fact. She does not feel like an adult at all.

I think and I anaylse and seeing as a lot of what I am thinking about things I have thought about before in regards to life Changes, and the past 19 mos or sop for other areas I want to do and live, I am not really making a “quick decision”. Not for me. I am a Planner. I am a Thinker. I am a Scorpio. (Yes it matters)

I may have a “gooey” soft heart, but I have a strong will that shall bend to that Only One Man. Willingly so. Submissive heart I have wants and needs the Dominant Male or Alpha. Our Relationship will be on Our Terms and no outsiders need seek to influence us.

My Life is moving along. Slow, then fast. Odd at best of late. I am trying to take things here a day at a time. I have Ideas I need to act upon, and I shall once we move in. Moving this weekend in fact. Stressed a bit but I am pretty okay over all. No strong arms to hold me when it gets bumpy, but I will get through because I have no other choice. *shrugs* My pillow catches my tears.

Someday I will have a Man to lean into and He can draw strength from me also. Somedays… I said I’d never believe in Somedays again. It hurt too much when dreamed of and promised Somedays were crushed along with my heart. I am Choosing to Believe and to Hope again. I am a bit scared. But to not Hope is to me much worse.

Thanks for Listening.

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

Just Sometimes when I think all is good… well, it dissolves like sugar in the rain. I believe something, I think there is a real thing and it is my imagination or hopes too big. I dissolve too then.

I am not always good at saying what I really feel. Maybe its because the tears are blinding me. Even writers loose the so-called right words.

I am a “catalyst” of change, in others lives and being who I am. So that means I can and do lose out on happiness. It is a bitter pill that. I forget and I hope.

Even hopeful I get scared. Even with my brand of faith I falter. Even with my courage I need encouragement. But I refuse to ask for help most times. It was drummed into my head what a bother & burden I was by my husband.. so I just do not…

Sometimes I just have to not be the cheerful person and allow myself to Feel whatever I do feel. It will shift. I will be okay. I am okay-ish health wise today. It gets better. So I will too.

I will fly away Someday and I will be Happy.

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

My middle daughter is once again in the ER (Emergency Room). We do not have news on what it is that ails her. Her Dad is with her at least.

Had an Incident today that has increased everyone’s stress levels exponentially. Do not want to go into it except to say it could have been avoided IF the ex to be was a responsible adult. So I got the fall out for his not dealing with this issue.

We will be out of this place within 10 days. What is not done will be ASAP.

My pain levels are *there*, stress is mucking me up, and yet I still hold onto my mostly Positive Attitude. My friend J. in California is stunned at my being in “such good spirits in spite of all you have going on”.

I know I could easily get all depressed & serious. I am thinking very serious thoughts whilst inserting humour and the TLC I have for others. It is to me better than “bitching” and making myself miserable and/or those around me so.

I may cry myself to sleep tonight though. Tears are healing. I will not feel bad for a good cry.
Well tears are here early. *sighs*

Thinking of all of you who posted your hurts, concerns & so forth today. Sending you love & healing thoughts. Be Well.

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

“The mind can go either direction under stress—toward positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training.”
― Frank Herbert

6 AM Body Tired, Mind Awake for the most part, Heart Sore … Mind & Heart win out. I am up. Bugger it.

~~~~~~~~~

Amusing is my thoughts resonate with the Notes From the Universe post of today.

A lot of times in certain areas or places in and of Life, Faery Tales, Disney movies, and in the D/s community you might hear about “Being Saved” by others. The sub “saved” by her Dom. The “White Knight’ saving the “Damsel’ in distress. Some religions teach we all are in need of a “saviour”.

I used to think I needed saving. I thought Someone would come into my life and make it all better. As an abused girl-child I especially thought a good man was what I needed.

I thought I was going to be better and safe Finally when I met, fell in love and married my spouse. I was “taken out of” my parents home, an unsafe place for sure. It was not however a saving in any definition of the word. In the course of the 26 years of married life, I have had to Save Myself, over and over again. And honestly saved him too.

~~~

In fact I tend to be the stronger one that helps others and/or saves them in some way. I prefer to Help Others to Help Themselves.

Goes along with the teaching of:

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he feeds himself for a lifetime.

I think we humans truly do need each other in life. We need the “village”, community, and in some fashion we need a mate or a partner; be the partner a lover or in friendship. I believe that too often we go to extremes of “being that island unto ourselves” to co-dependency. 

I was strong of will, a long time I was strong of mind and spirit. Later in my marriage I lost myself. I lost my health, my mental health suffered, and I almost lost my life too. I became co-dependent in certain ways because I had no choice at that time in my life. It was not a secure or healthy “You can lean on, depend on, trust in me” relationship.
It was “I like knowing where you are and that I can keep you in that place” and he proceeded to continue Taking Me for Granted that I was always going to be around For Him.

In Counseling I stated what I needed and wanted was simply “To Be Cherished”. Valued and loved as a human being and as his wife.

He to this day cannot grasp the meaning of this Cherishing.
(He only a few months ago stated he had taken me for granted for a long time.)

Other than that, to this day my “ex to be” denies the Abuse and other things he has done & still does, even though all of my Doctors, some “outsiders”, and family and friends saw what was going on.

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As the woman I am Now, I do not look to be “Saved” or rescued. It is a fact many people assume that about a person with my past & in my present situation.
That is a fallacy to think this about me. Do not assume anything in fact where I am concerned. Ask me, I might tell you. Depending on our relationship to one another.

~~~

What my thoughts are is that a couple can Save and Support One Another.

That way no one has to be the “pillar of strength” all the time. Nor have her as damsel or him as a white knight.

Do I think there are circumstances a Relationship has saved another person?  Yes, I do. I know a couple I admire where it has been beneficial to her and to him there meeting and so forth. I respect them, and I respect their relationships dynamics.

But basically I think of it this way.

Why can’t we choose to save ourselves and go on to choose to join our lives together because we care for, love and yes cherish as well as value one another just as we are?

~~~

I do not ever want to be codependent again. It is not healthy for anyone involved. I want a Mate, a Life Partner. I still hope that this Mate will be Dominant. I know myself that I need him to be able to “handle me”. I am a lot of woman, no pun intended. ;)

In being a Mate, I see myself as Partner, Helper, Supportive & Encouraging. I’d “have His back” too.  As a Mate, I want and need to be safe, cherished, needed, valued, encouraged, cared about and for.
And I will do all of that for Him. It is only right to give back what you ask for or know you need, to my way of thinking and being.

~~~

This sums it up pretty well:

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
  ~ Anaïs Nin

I am still a submissive hearted woman. I still know on a Alpha Male will do. I do not think “only” a D/s relationship is the answer.

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
 ~ Anaïs Nin

So.. I am in the process of Saving Myself whilst Believing in a Healthy Relationship. It is not easy for me to always believe, have faith and/or to trust. I struggle daily with this in fact. But I choose to keep on trying and doing what I can, whilst hoping it and I are enough.

~~~

Hugs all around and Thanks for Listening.

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

“You don’t find love, it finds you. It’s got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, and what’s written in the stars.”
  ~ Anaïs Nin

I detest Drama unless it is in my favourite TV show, a movie, on the stage and/or in a book.

I admit there is Drama in my life. You breathe you have some of that “stuffage”.
I do not go looking for it, I certainly do not seek to create it.

Now that stated. I love Tumblr. I love the Followers who come talk to me, whom I reach out to. The people not looking for games, who have good hearts and heads, who enjoy life, living it, love and showing real love to others.

I disengage from certain folks when I see them posting and/or doing things that causes or creates Drama or is along the lines of Head Games. I am not a kid to play games. I also do not tolerate gratuitous violence & anything to do with child porn. IF I see abuses I deal with them. Via the proper channels and I use  my option to Unfollow.

I am however a mature woman that will if Needs Must stand up for Myself, tell a person Straight Up and Not Hide behind the ANON options ever, to cease and desist their or others in their lives Harassment and Game Playing. I have done so in fact.

IF Anyone has Anything to say to me, about me, or in regards to me,well then I suggest they say it Openly to ME.

Stop the She Said/He Said Game Playing and Do Not send Innocent Parties to my ASK Box to ask questions of Me when they have no part in the BS that happened. In asking they are put in a place they ought not to be and this hurts them.

It is not me harming ANYONE. I will not stoop to the levels of others and I am going Public because THIS is not acceptable behaviour for anyone, especially ADULTS.

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Let me clarify this:

I am HERE on Tumblr because I LOVE My Followers and I LOVE BLOGGING.

I consider My Followers to be for the most part Friends.

I write/blog on Tumblr to Express Myself, to Hopefully reach out and touch others through this medium. Letting them know we are of us human, fallible and still wonderful persons. IF I touch one life by being open about myself, I am well and truly happy i could do so. If that is a agenda.. well there you go.

***I have no “hidden” agendas and I do not crave nor seek attention. I KNOW Who I am. I KNOWMy Worth.

AND:
I have NEVER used ANON and I will not.

I am not ashamed to say what I need to Openly in a ASK with MY NAME.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Calling me names, telling me I ought to leave Tumblr, that because I am Fat I am not sexy. That because I have more than one Tumblr Blog I am lazy. Oh and yes “I ought to exercise more”.

Thank You for your concern. I will in fact be doing so.

And I LIKE and ACCEPT My Big “FAT” Body. I LOVE ME. I Am a SENSUAL GODDESS & I am  SEXY. MY MAN likes me AS I AM.

Unless HE complains I sure as hell am not going to worry what some cowardly ANON says about me.

“Haters are gonna Hate”.

Sad that it is true.

I do not hate anyone. Not my abusers in my past, not people who are haters or who have hurt me recently. I am done with any and all holding onto hurts. I have no need of it and it is their issues not mine.

I want to Live Peacefully, Love Fully the Ones I Do Love and to Be Peace.

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So this is the end of THIS Blog & I HOPE if Anyone has ever had ANON Hate, come talk to me. I understand & I Listen.

Thank You to my Dear Friends for telling me I ought to speak up & out as These incidents are both Hateful & Bullying. Too often the Nice Folks say nothing and well I am Nice Enough but I am a Tough Woman too.

Do Not think I will take the Hate or the Bullying. I am not a coward, I am no ones victim. So move on ANON!

Thanks For Listening & Hugs to All Who Need or Want Them.

Shining in the Dark,

Starra

PS I NO LONGER HAVE ANON SET ON in Any of My ACCTS.

Some days you are the windshield and some days you are the bug. -saying

Well Today I’d like to be the Fly Swatter to my ex to be’s “pest”.

In all seriousness I will be better off mentally and emotionally once he is out and we are done. I do not say that with any malice. A lot of Awareness, yes.

Tonight I finally get to move packed boxes over to my wee trailer (mobile home). I will get things for the kitchen over too if I can.

I need to make a List (I am infamous for my lists) of the things I need and furniture too. With it being a small place I need “dollhouse” furniture. ;)

Kitchen table, a table each for K. & I to use as computer & work desks, a couch or futon couch. A mattress for K. & M. if they share the bedroom & use the trundle daybed. I really need a full size bed. Nothing bigger will fit in my bedroom. That means linens for it. Ever notice if you need or get something a half dozen other things are needed then also?!

*** Craigslist is my Go To Resource. :)

I must invest in a sewing machine (two eventually) so K. &  I will be able to start One of the Many business ventures I/we have planned.

I still do not know whether my middle daughter M. will be living with me. Her room mate deal fell through and she is adamant she is not living with her father. By then I will have My Car back from the ex to be. I am going to be a happier woman having the independence & freedom of a vehicle finally.

Today is a Cleaning Day. But first Coffee. Tumblrverse Therapy and chilling after the issue of my ex to be mucking up my scheduled Dr Appt. (Life with him has been the pits of the cherries.)

So.. New Life Chapter is being written. I am done waiting on certain things and this week I will be busy, but I Always have time for My Loved Ones & Friends.

Hugs to all who need or want them. Thank You for Listening.

Shining in the Dark,
Starra

My 2 younger daughters are going to see Titanic in IMAX theaters. I love that they are close, enjoy each other, even when the squabble and fuss. Sisters. I never had any until I grew up and “made family”.

Also i am glad they are getting the heck out of this “toxic” house for the afternoon & evening. I get the house to myself a bit. Wish I was in my new place. But I am not so I deal. I get to hear dogs barking & whining because “The Girl” is mia. The Girl is my youngest and these dogs think she Has To stay home with them so they can watch over her. Silliness in & of our lives.

I am enjoying being A Woman these days. I may not feel as healthy as I need to but I am still all girl/woman. It is nice this.

Music is keeping my mind alert and my spirit happier. I do not know how there can be people who do not like music. But to each their own I suppose.

I am so thankful for Tumblr. It too keeps me “sane” or as sane as I ever will be. Smiling at that, as I think sanity is vastly over-rated and us crazy ones are the sanest in a world gone mad. On Tumblr I meet some interesting, intelligent, artistic, sexy, funny, and/or wonderful people.

I also meet some that need their arses kicked. But The Fates will deal with them. (The jury is out on all this karma talk for me for now)

I keep saying i am moving. I am. In my ex to be’s “schedule”. Gods I look forward to him moving out completely & my being “single” and free from his sometimes tyranny. I am not angry even as I say that. Just resigned to him never changing & me the Changing Woman.

It is really hard to write & think with a kitten laying on your neck grooming himself. My daughter named this kitten “Milo Stormageddon”. It suits him. Oh & Points to you who know where these 2 names come from.

I miss My Friend. One day away and I miss talking to them. Funny how you get used to people’s presence in your life. My Friends are my Treasures along with my Kids. Oh & my dog Beau. He gets upset if I do not talk about him. ;)

Hugs to those off you who need them.

Seining Dark,
Starra

One of my “faults” is I am always thinking, the other I am too “talkative”.
I tend to care too much some say and thus my caring, well that leads to wanting to help so much.

So some of my too talkative can be from this and once in awhile it is because my exhaustion and my meds are “off kilter”. I am not a danger to society. Just annoying to my “loved ones” and myself. Well some loved ones understand thus they are only concerned and not truly annoyed.

I realise I have little liking or patience for rudeness, temperamental fits, extreme passive aggressive & denial types, liars, posers, shallow and/or insipid persons. I do not tolerate hatefulness. Abusive personalities, and extreme narcissistic types. Normal attention is fine, those that want it constantly “put me off”. I think it is important to have more self-confidence and the knowledge of ones self-worth rather than want to have others feed the ego.

I give compliments you can bet I am sincere. I do not “do” false flattery.

I am “honest to a fault” in fact. I try not to lie and do not live a lie.

I like people who are Self Aware and in being so they seek to improve themselves.

If I ever seem to expect a lot from others it is Only Because that is what I expect from myself and what I would or do give to them.

My temper is an issue. I usually get over things quickly.

Unless it is betrayals and lies. That I do not forgive easily. If I forgive it, know my trust is gone. If you want it back, well you better expect to work hard for it.

I can and do get jealous. I work hard not to.
I am a work in progress slowly and steadily in this area.

I get excited and I can push too hard. I am working hard to not be this way. If/when I see myself doing it I seek to “put on my brakes”.

I know I am forgetful, that many times I do not take the best care of myself. I am even now working on ways to improve this in and about myself. (Part of that Self Awareness gig)

Add being a Sensitive & Empath that can and does feel quite often the pain and motions of others and when I am unwell Cannot shield properly, well then it can get quite “interesting”. (Imagine your feelings with others colouring the mix! You feel topsy turvy.)

So these are some of “My Faults” & my Idiosyncrasies. The ones I am cognisant of.

I am not nor do I ever think I will be considered dull or boring. lol at myself now

By writing about this it helps me in my Self Awareness Changes.
Self-Analysing is a thing I seem to be good at, as well as analysing & seeing things in others. So I try to do what I do well.

Shining In The Dark,
Starra