Ramblings of a Woman: Feels like Autumn Spirit & Changes
I am awake again. Third time tonight. It is now almost 5:30 am my time as I begin writing.
I sleep deep enough to dream usually, but I wake up several times a night now.
I think it is a combination of stress, my old mattress, and my health issues.
Hoping to remedy all of these things, as well as deal with my stress in better ways.
I am internalising far too much.
Sunday I was upset a great deal after a conversation on the phone with my eldest daughter. *sighs* I ended the call to keep from saying things I’d later regret. I do not like getting angry.
I wake though these past few mornings to a chilly trailer. Autumn is in the air as I let my dog out for his morning “business”. Standing there at the door my legs get chilled as I wear tees & knickers to sleep in. Heck I wear that most of the time unless my house dresses as I call them are clean.
Today I go to my Doctor’s to get my “ugly toe” looked at. (Family joke)
They will have to numb then cut my biog toes nail. And it is not going to feel good for awhile. Ouchies. It is infected too. *ugh*
Ingrown toenails for a Diabetic can become quite an ordeal.
So I am going to have to:
1) Learn to do pedicures at home or 2) Earn enough money to afford them.
As a necessity and not a luxury as I used to view such things.
More Appts today for my daughter & her boyfriend. All I want to do is drink coffee and read. Oh well. We do not get to always do what we want to.
I am so practical a woman I tend to talk myself out of buying or doing things for myself. I was raised to believe you sacrifised All for others. That was just the way it was and is. I struggle with the thought if i get my hair done and a daughter needs hers done I am selfish.
I realised my hair is one thing that really makes my mood shift. Never doubt the power of a great cut/style and a good hair day to life a mood. I look like the shaggy dog .. I don’t but that is my view of grown out hair on me. lol
I really wish I could grow my hair out longer. Mid-back. But it is not the hair of my youth. It is thinner and it is not as wavy. So shorter is better on me, and I get it done in layers.
I love the look of a French braid with flowers in it. But that is not going to be me. So the practical woman tells the dreamy one to get a grip.
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My dreamy girl is really happy these days. For Reasons. And the woman is happy too. My family loves that I am so happy, that my life is looking up.
I am still struggling financially, and I worry about ‘stuff”. I worry about a lot of stuff. But I am going to be okay. I will prevail.
I have to get my phone bill paid to start working. I need this. I want this. I have got to do this! If I have to put it off 2 weeks it is going to be a real “beast”. But if you have no other choice what do you do?
You deal best you can, eat a lot of beans and rice, drink lots of water. And you find a reason to smile.
I know all too well how much worse things could be. I refuse to entertain these thoughts with tea and cookies. They can bloody well bugger off. I will get my Imaginary Butt Kicking Boots on.. and go to town on their arses.
“I can kick butt without smearing my eyeliner” comes to mind, as does…
“She may be little, but she is fierce” ~ Wm.Shakespeare
I may be a 5ft “tall’ Hobbit-y woman, but us Hobbits can fight.
I am not going to give up on anything. I am not even giving up on my eldest daughter in spite of the hurts & her stating “I have done her wrong”. *shrugs*
I will keep trying to communicate in a healthy way. But truly it is up to her as she is the one with the issues and anger. I let go of my anger. It serves no good purpose. I can get mad, but I do not hold onto it, nor do I ever carry a grudge.
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Autumn is in the air, ‘tis my favourite season. Samhain fast approaches. (Hallowe’en)
The veils do thin, the Ancestors are nearby, and Spirits are restless. Pumpkins are on sale. Kids are excited at the costumes in the stores.
Samhain (sow-en) … It is a Witches New Year. So many Endings and Beginnings.
The subtle changes of the South are occurring. I’ll need my sweater soon enough.
***
Here in my room I dream of fireplaces, kisses, hands to hold, arms to hold me. I dream of smiles that make eyes sparkle, and hear a voice telling me wonderful things. These dreams are good. These are all good.
My restless spirit though longs to be where the leaves change dramatically. It and I long for a great many things. But my heart can dream, I can be happy in the present moment for I have certain responsibilities, and a duty to certain folks.Soon my heart and body can go where they long to be.
For now here I am, and here I will be awhile longer. I put Things out there to The Universe. I trust in the beauty of my dreams more than ever. It is good with my soul.
Soon my body will be healthier, fitter. I will sleep much better. Mornings will be good ones.
Indeed the Dream is unfolding.. and I am an Autumn butterfly coming out of my chrysalis. Strong, ready to fly.
Blessings Be & Shine Dark,
Starra
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.
I don’t believe in circumstances.
The people who get on in this world
are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want.
And if they cant, make them.
Want to go on a Picnic with me? I’ll make the potato salad. You bring the sandwiches. We’ll have the House Wine of the South, known to others as iced tea. And of course chocolate for dessert. Which I’ll willingly feed to you from my sweet little hands, I might even blush. - Lady Minx Starra
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straight and narrow (by [phil h])](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsobc6CHi91qzx6kko1_500.jpg)
