One must have Hopes & Dreams. - (me)

In my thinking and experiences when you do not have them your soul tends to shrivel up, you lose vision, you lose a lot. Bitterness creeps in, the person becomes hardened and sharp edged.

I do not wish to have anything like that happen to me. i was hard, cold, and getting quite jaded for a time in my life. I had to break free from that. It was not easy to do either.

So if being open as well as honest makes me soft, and/or an easy “mark”, so be it. I will take the chance, and in my own way protect myself. I am not all that naive all the time. Obtuse occasionally. Too literal, most times. I tend to take people at their word. I do so because I am so forthright in that I say what I mean, do what I say I will to the best of my ability. So I guess I hold folks to my ways of being.

So in my Hopes and Dreams I hope to be a successful entrepreneur, own several smaller home-based businesses, be a successful writer, own my own home in the country possibly, and to have those silly chickens I talk of. I think the chickens must represent something to me. (Time to dig deeper on that, lol)

Gardens and serenity. Porches and porch swings. Fireplaces and books. I want all of these things too.

My hopes and dreams also include a sensually, erotic adventurous open-minded man who will encourage me to explore, be true to myself, and also not let me get away with “stuff”. A Dom in a sense or a Dom in all senses.

(What I like in a man is listed in my “About Me”.)

~~~

“I am still learning” - Michelangelo

I am still learning indeed. Who I am, what I want & need.. and that I seem to have an infinite ability to care & forgive too. Truly I trust few “easily”. I choose to trust because without that how can any relationship hope to flourish? And I must rust so that others can in return trust me.
Closed doors and closed minds, walls and prickly boundaries do not make for healthy relationships in my experience. I tend to help tear down walls and use that to build bridges of communication and understanding.

So yes, I have a hopeful heart, and a cynical mind. Soft and tough (or strength) together. Always a conundrum am I it seems. I aim for simplicity and yet find most see me as complex. Go figure.

I have layers, facets. I am exploring who I am after being three girls “Mommy” and a man’s wife for the past 26 years. I will lose the wife title completely and still be Mom but not Mommy. I do not mind an empty nest as much as I thought I would even a few years ago. I look forward to being my own person.
Although I would be glad to share my life, or a life, with another IF they can truly accept me As Is. I do not want to be fixed so much as accepted and encouraged. It is how I treat others after all.

So even after quite a few heartaches, betrayals of my trust, and others not knowing themselves as well as i thought they did and because of that, I am the one that gets hurt.. I am Still Hoping, Dreaming, Planning My Life…. and I do so with a kind heart, a stronger spirit, no bitterness and a lot of whimsical humour.

Choose Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

I choose to Let Go of those dreams that no longer serve me. I choose to be a friend to many, even those who have hurt me, and I them, for I am nowhere near perfect. And I choose to not wallow in self-pity over my chronic health issues and the pain i deal with daily.
My life is what it is for a reason. I can be a sad sack miserable beeotch, OR I can be someone that others can relate to, feel good around, a friend that genuinely gives a damn, an encourager to/for others, and if I am truly blessed… I can be a woman someone can love, enjoy, talk with, trust, and appreciate.

I am not sitting around though waiting for Life and Love to happen. I have so many things going, even if a few are “just” mentally driven, I feel like I need a break from thinking. (So not in my cards)

I am reaching out to folks, talking to interesting gentlemen, and enjoying flirting. I was born flirting as my Mom stated often.I like people. I like socialising on my own terms. Some places and persons can make my life an Empath Hell.

So I am careful and I take care of me. It is my responsibility to do what is right for me. No one else around to kick or spank my sweet arse into doing the right thing. Though I do wish there was. *smiles & winks*

Moving On

I am also choosing to move on from emotions that do not help me become who I ought to be. Easier to say than do, for the heart has its own ways. I can only try to change things in me. And to be happy for others as they move on too. I try to be anyways.
Unlike “Master Yoda” I think trying is a good thing. Not trying is the thing I will not do. (Why yes I am a Sci-Fi nerd)

So.. what is in store for me? Divorce, work, life change to gain better health, losing weight for me. Understand this, as a BBW I love myself as I am. I just want to be able to have a lot more agility and body strength.

Saving in a mason jar to do the things I Dream of doing and having. Including my first tattoo. Which I might go to my favourite Southern city Savannah, GA to have done by a local Tattoo Artist. (He did my daughters swallow tat).

And I have a newer dream of being unafraid to drive long distances. I do not like driving much. But one must do what needs must be done. I always admired those who would drive cross country. What an adventure a road trip can be. Though me being me, I might stick to taking the back roads. lol

Thanks For Listening.

Shine Dark,
Starra

Have you ever felt like you were electric? The way the energies just Flow all over you, your Aura and more just all snap, crackle, popping?
Your chakras are all activated, and you are surprised to look down to find that you are holding your hand over your heart so it does not jump out of your chest? And it doesn’t hurt, but it sure is intensely beautiful.

I had all of this happen to me last night.

I had several times today where I just had to get up and dance, I was so happy and full of energetic joy. I felt the total lightness of being. It was a superbly good feeling indeed.
Most folks who know me know with my health issues I do not have a lot of energy. (Or Spoons) But I did today, in spite of a headache and being tired/sleepy. I had a brief emotional time, but a cat nap really helped there.

And then the “Above” happened. It was, it is, Amazing.

I am not as happy a person as I wish I was. But I am finding joys in small things, in my life, in others too who are part of my life.
I found in the past few days a lot more of my Joie de Vivre. I want it to last. I want it to unfold like a rose blossoming. I am going to count it all joy and be peaceful about it.

So I say, “Ereuka, I Found It!”

Shining Like the Star I Am,
Starra

I sometimes forget how both my mental health issues & physical health issues can and do affect me. They can really drag me low and make me “see” things in my life through a glass darkly. How it takes me so low and into that valley of despair. Is it part of my fallible human nature that I forget these things whilst I am in the midst of them? I am pondering these things, and more. Uncrowding my mind as a dear friend states so succinctly. I admit at first I did not understand him fully by “a crowded mind”. Now, after having some time to think upon it, to better absorb the concept, I think I get it.

“By Jove! I think she’s got it.”

I am by my nature and personality a UP type of person.

Not the Coffee Barista upbeat kind that is so caffeinated as to be “Perky”, nor am I in anyway way “saccharin sweet”. I am usually a nice person, who seeks to be kind, compassionate, and have been told by folks that I am sweet-natured. And it is true,  unless I feel terribly “blah”, hurt a lot A lot, and/or I have not slept. That opens up a “can of emotional worms”.
So, I warn folks ahead of time about me & my issues. I am usually quiet if I can be when I feel like that. I try to be. But life and does not always allow us to do things the best way that work for us. I get reactive, I like that those who know me and know themselves tell me “be quiet, stop being reactive & please listen!”.
I need these kinds of folks in my life. They “get it and me”. I get aggravated with myself when I am not at my best. But I also try to forgive myself too. Just as I am willing to do with others.

I really got down Friday & Saturday; and anyone who read this weekends Losing my Faith blogs, well you all were super. Thank you. I am coming back to the Better Me. The Positive in the face of Life & its many storms Me.

More Lessons

My past relationships have taught me much. And part of that is I will be less likely to rush in or to open so fast. I need to let things unfold as it will. I hope more slowly.I have this new found understanding that Slow really is Better, for me and a few other folks I know.

I want to grow in myself, as I grow in love. If love is there… well  I believe it needs to have a chance to take root so it can and will hopefully last. Rushing in, you often get burned or burnt out.

*shrugs* Just thinking aloud here.

A New Day, A New Hope

I had a quieter weekend. A few Asthma attacks. Some thunderstorms, but the roof did not leak. My dog Beau is feeling better too and his hurt leg is healing. Another nice thing is that our trailer parks Maintenance Man gave us a used vacuum cleaner. (Mine was long dead.)  Today, Sunday, we had the girl’s Dad over for dinner & cake for his birthday. After dinner we went to the beach. While he was here he fixed my PC. It was a pleasant time.

So, lots of blessings !!!

Changes for Good

I am starting a slow step forward into the Raw Diet. More fruits & veggies, cutting my sugars Way Way Back. Cutting salt. Lots of drinking water. Setting myself a daily exercise regimen. It feels good to have a plan.

I cannot say things are “great” money wise in my life. In fact I know it is going to be rough going for awhile. I am researching Thrifty Living Ideas. We will incorporate many Green & Simple Living practises. (Ex: Making our own cleaners & laundry soap)

I cannot say anything has changed except me.  I am changing again for the better. Time will tell the tale … of me, my life, the dreams I have.
I am going to be alright. So will my little family here. We are thinking, talking, planning. So I can say we are “good”. That matters. Circumstance are as I said not changed here. It is me, just as it is us as a family that is changing.

Hope is the thing with feathers. That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all.
- Emily Dickinson

I have heard Hope’s song in my heart and mind this weekend. It started singing top me and I am opening up to its song. Hope and Faith are restored within me yet again.

I know too that Love never fails me. Humans can and will fail though, it is part of being human after all. I will fail others, they will fail me. Most times I am a forgiving person. Sometimes we must “Let Go, Let God/dess”, and not allow the hurts to fester. I almost did in my hut, my misunderstandings for many reasons. Also, we must forgive ourselves. Loving ourselves is needed and necessary if we are to move forward and lead a healthier life inside and out.

Thus I am learning from everything that has gone in my recent past. My hope is to grow from this, in love, understanding, compassion, and understanding of others and myself. To keep on accepting others as they are. I will fail, I will falter, I will fall.. but I will not stop nor give up. For I believe and have Faith in the beauty of Life’s Possibilities too much to not keep going.

I have uncrowded my mind, my heart, and my spirit. I know better the Why-fores of so much now. I have lost my blinders. In doing so I made the conscious choice to be forgiving to all, me included, for my parts in Everything.

So, more Blessings, and I am a grateful indeed.

Thanks for Listening.

Shine Dark,
Starra

“I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.”
― Maya Angelou

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” ― Maya Angelou

I am feeling better physically today. Which is surprising with all I had to do and how much I hurt from head to toe literally last night.

I am doing a lot of thinking on my life as it is, and how it could be. I am not afraid of life. I am not afraid of death either. I am scared often of failing my loved ones as well as myself. I am, going to fuck up. I know that. I feel in a lot of ways I have already. Hurting others as well as myself in the process. But I have friends who love me, my family, and I have my faith in my ability to overcome most anything Life throws at me. Those curve balls are a bitch though!

Maybe I am one of those who is unlucky in love. Maybe I have to be Alone for a Season as well as a Reason. I do not know, as I do not look into my future much.  I do get a tarot reading from an excellent Tarot Reader, and I have psychic friends who have helped me. But over all I do not know what my future or The Future holds. I prefer to live each day as it comes, find my inner strength with each wave or bump I may have, and to live a life I will not be ashamed of.

For now I am researching things I need to learn, like living even more frugally on hardly anything. It can be done. To find work that will bring in a steady trickle at first and then more in due time. To write articles and write the books I need to. To see if I can set my mind, heart, and hands to some work I can enjoy and be good at. I will not limit myself and allow no one to place limit’s upon me. And now I am ready to go in the right direction for me.

“The compass rose is nothing but a star with an infinite number of rays pointing in all directions.

It is the one true and perfect symbol of the universe.

And it is the one most accurate symbol of you.

Spread your arms in an embrace, throw your head back, and prepare to receive and send coordinates of being. For, at last you know—you are the navigator, the captain, and the ship.”
― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

I am ready to steer my ship, I am my own captain. If life decides there will be a co-captain for me he had best have a heart and mind like unto mine. I am not settling for less than a good man who can love me like I deserve. Because as I have said before; I never ask from anyone what I am not willing to give and do myself.

And my hope is fragile but I feel it will become stronger again in time, my faith is crumbled but it can be patched up. If someone wants in my life they need to be very understanding of my reasons and whole wonderful being. I am indeed Strong, but even the Strong are Fragile. Act accordingly. If you can and do Love and Cherish the woman I am, your rewards for doing so will be incredible.

Shine Dark,
Starra

Fridays and Friday Nights

They were spent in anticipation of going out with friends in my youth. Late teens actually. I would get all dressed up, fix my hair and do my make up. Go out to the “Strip” (beach and a lot of bars, clubs) it was The hot spot to cruise and dance at. 
Or we’d go dancing at the local place. Maybe it was a date night and we’d catch a late night movie, walk on the beach under the moon and stars. Go necking. lol

Now my life is every other week paydays I go shopping for necessities like groceries. Pay bills. Watch a show with my daughters, and hang out on Tumblr.

This Friday Night

Milestone of my husband moving out of my “wee trailer” into his own place in the city.
Sick to my stomach, headache, TMJ flare up and it from the stress. He has been pushing my buttons all week. Today he stomped them.

My youngest is in tears at her Dad moving out. She knew it was happening, but the reality is a beast. I am helping her deal with it. 

My middle daughter is fine. Her boyfriend is moving in as of tonight, my suggestion.. A long story. Suffice to say it is good for all involved and he is a nice young man. I like him. He is good people.

Over all I am the the stressed one in that I am glad he is out of my home. The stress of him will be out of the house, but there is more ahead. I know it, knew it, feel it & expect that I will have a few more arguments with him.

I was given a small bit of money to buy groceries, get necessities, RX meds and and do laundry with. He topped off the gas in the car. He is Out of Here.

Trust? … not so much

I do not trust him to keep his word at this point. If he does about even a few things I will be counting my blessings there. I usually could count on him to not do whatever he said he was going to do. In the past and up to today, same story holds true.

And folks wonder why I struggle with trust issues?! Well, 26 years of him, and my father and family before that is why.

Yeah, I am doing pretty good over all if I say I can trust anyone. If I Do Trust You, know that it is a Gift. I hope that those who trust me I never hurt or betray them or their trust. I really do consider Trust to be quite precious.

~~~

So, here it is still Friday night. They are for me just not what they used to be. Maybe Someday Someone will take me out on a Friday night. Maybe I will take me out on a Friday night. Get dressed up a bit, put on make up, fuss with my hair. Hold hands and share some fun.

Maybe it is a pipe dream. Maybe not. But hey, a girl has to have some Hope.

In Closing

Here’s to the weekend. I hope it is a good one for everyone.

Mine will have cleaning, organising, laundry, some Family Time, and possibly a wine cooler in it.

My condolences to those who lost loved ones and family in the horrid shooting at the Batman movie premiere. I am sickened by it all.

To those I Love, please know that my heart is with You, as are are my prayers.

Blessings Be and Love Always.

Still Shining,
Starra

I am funny, I am naughty-minded, I am giggly on rare occasions.
I am literal, I am obtuse, I am serious.

I am a loyal friend, even more loyal as a Love(r).
I stick by you, I stand firm, and I defend you if others dare to put you down.
I’ ll help fight your demons and battles, and I will take a lot before I “give up”.

I have a need to be careful of being too hurt, or “used” because it has happened so many times before. I trust and when I do I Know I am in danger of hurts and betrayals.It does not mean I do not trust you; it means i have been damaged by others who came before you. I am a work in progress to get stronger, heal and become a better person.

I fail, I try again.
I do not easily give up on myself nor on anyone else.

I get insecure, scared, I am emotional, and I am weepy.

My emotions are right under the surface and I feel things deeply.

I am compassionate, sympathetic, empathetic, fragile, vulnerable, and sweet.
I am feisty, stronger than most,stronger than I realise (stated by others). I have a fierce temper too. (Scottish & dbl Irish)

I piss some folks off because I am so strong and/or intense a personality, and they give up before they begin a relationship or friendship thinking they are “not strong enough for me” or “you are just too much”.
I can usually laugh at that now. Before it cut me so deeply.

If they only knew Me, and took the time to Know The REAL Me.

If pushed I will fight for myself. I detest fighting otherwise. I do it only if I must.
If pushed away or alienated I will set up shields to keep from further injury to my heart & soul.

Self-Preservation it is called.

I understand Self-Preservation now and in others, because I did not utilise it for myself all those years in my emotionally & psychologically abusive marriage. It was not only abuse, it was neglect and ignoring me, my needs and the deeper emotional needs of our children. The ignoring of my health issues was very much forced on me because “I cannot take time off” or “Do you really need to go in?” Guilt is a tool he used on me because I will never inconvenience, take from or harm others willingly. Then the “burden” label was pulled on me too.
After I was told I had Bipolar the spouse just dropped all sense of helping me or dealing with “things”. It was “the straw that broke his back”, so he said. I was “too much too handle with all my issues”.

*(The Bipolar turned out to be a misdiagnosis)

So, I am Too much it seems. As a woman, a personality and with the facts of my health & mental health issues.

Sorry, I do not buy it. I am not too much.

You just are not enough.

Because I am a good person and a wonderful lover. A smart, caring, capable woman who is a good friend, who has a source of love that never dries up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If others do not like me, I shrug it off nowadays. I am not everyone’s cup of tea. And yeah there are always going to be people who never take the time to understand or get to know you.

So be it. Chalk it up as their loss,. your gain. Who needs false friends and/or shallow types?! Not I.

I do not like everyone all the time, some…well not at all. Personality conflicts or them acting in poor taste, unkind, insensitive, hateful, shallow, cruel, racist, prejudice, etc. Not my type of persons these.

I do not usually judge others, but I do not tolerate certain people.

~~~~~~~~~

I am Just Me.

I will fail you. I will lose patience.

I will ask sincerely to be forgiven because I will sincerely be sorry and regret my actions if I have wronged you or been in the wrong.

More often than not though i am going to be there for you when no one else is.

That is Just Me as well.

So I hope we all can start giving each other more chances, learn more about one another, love each other where ever that person is at in their personal &/or spiritual growth.

I find it hard to Love Me at times. I think it is sad that we are told it is narcissistic to love ourselves then told why are you so down on yourself?

Mixed messages hurt so many folks. How about just speaking openly, honestly and plainly.

I know it usually works for me.

Though I am possibly Too plain spoken aka blunt. *sighs*

As my Mom stated: “Sometimes you cannot win for losing”.

Just Be Yourself, Love Yourself, Try not to hurt anyone in the process.
And I will do the same.

If you mess up, do your best to heal the issues. But do not be a door mat.

Balance. Balance is Everything.

Personally, I am Still working on my own Balancing Acts in Life, Spirituality, Work and in Love.


Shine Dark,
Starra

NOT!

An amusing to me line on a comic pic I like is:
I’ll go fold laundry. That ought to be fraught with peril.

That is my life. The most dangerous thing I do is think.
And I hardly ever stop thinking. Some say i think too much, or overthink.

Fact is it is in part of my mild BPD (what I was told I had before was Bipolar & gods I fit the “criteria” for some of that, as do many folks with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

BPD affects my whole life. As does all my physical & mental health conditions & issues. I state “It is what it is.”

What I expect from others is this:

You have to accept me as I am. I do not need anyone “fixing me”. I am not “broken”, I am human and flawed, fallible and prone to making mistakes. But I sure do need the loving acceptance from those who are Family & Friends as I set out to become a better person. Slow and steady.

Observations About Myself:

I react at times when I do not mean to, out of exhaustion and is it is a post online (chat, email, etc) it reads differently. You hear inflections in a spoken voice, so you can tell what a person means. In a chat or email too often things can seem accusatory or even negative to me. If it is “just me”, I try to deal accordingly. If it is not I deal accordingly as well. I prefer emails to chats at times. I prefer voice conversations to emails. And in person is best of all. But some folks I *Know* so well & they me we hardly ever have misunderstandings online. My heart “gets in the way” sometimes of my common sense. Where you care deeply you are oversensitive. Some is me, some is being tired, some is miscommunication & getting to know one another, and some is the BPD causing me to think or feel things. *

*(Not just BPD persons, all of us can be this way. But those with BPD … yeah things get out of proportion for us a bit)

Spiraling

So I feel like a boring person usually. Not much of a social life (not including Y’all here in  the Tumblrverse). I hope to at least get out to the library and beach “soon”. I write some, I reblog a lot (less than I used to though), I am doing more at home and not stretching my emotional self too thin by being “All things to all people”. Self-preservation in that I admit. Maybe even some maturity. Even at 47 I need to mature in areas. Get wiser as I “age”.

I have my daughters (24 & 17) at home, who keep me young at heart and laughing, and yet I am still “The Mom”. She who is reputed to be: The one they know they can come to anytime, who will no matter what Be There For Them. The one who is always the emotional steadfast common sense one. The Strength & Foundation.

Certainly there father has not been this to them. Sad fact, no anger contained therein. Just the facts jack…he is not one they can rely on.

I will be a single mom soon and the weight is already threatening to crush me like a tin can. I might as well be now. 

How the hell do folks make those nebulous ends meet? (Ending the pity party before it can begin) I respect hard working folks and single parents so much. I hope to be a good single Mom.

Praevalebo (latin) = I will prevail.

A mountain of clean laundry awaits to be folded. The girls put it away.
I call laundry my Mt. Never-Rest. It holds true.

My weekend will be cleaning, folding laundry, and time out for the Supernatural “marathon” my daughters & I have going. They want me to catch up on it. I think we are in the 5th Season.
I am a Dean fan by the way. ;)

Shining Dark,
Starra