Scars and Heartaches
I have scars upon scars upon scars upon freshly rendered flesh on my heart.
It is not a pretty thing anymore my heart.
It is not ugly Inside … not bitter (yet).
It still beats, it still pumps blood and I still live.
Isn’t it funny how you live on when your heart is either so full of pain you
cry from the agony of it all, or you cease to hurt and become numb?
The latter frightens me.
To Not feel?
I who feel so much, too much even as a Empath & Sensitive?
It might be a welcome to others.
It might be a pleasant respite from the tears and heartaches I have felt these past few days and honestly, the past few years.
I have cried myself to sleep the past 3 nights, and I cry when I wake up and I cry as I “speak” now …
I still cannot find it in my heart to hate the one that freshly broke my heart today.
I cannot hate the others who came before him.
Lies and false ways, half-truths and even no reason given at all as to Why? …
These are all things I almost expected when it comes to relationships with men now.
I can literally count on one hand the men in my life I trust completely, and as is the sick humour of the Gods and Fates, not one of them is remotely interested in me in a “romantic” or sexual ways. Not only “nice” guys get placed in the Friend Box.
I’d laugh at the irony and patheticness of it all, but I hurt too much to find my smile.
So if I am not all cheerful, positive and things of that ilk, I hope you can forgive me my human-ness and the hurts I must deal with.
I see the beauty of love, and I have soul mates. Just not in a Lover like I dreamed of & hoped for. So in my way I still believe in love. But not so much these days for me do I believe in Love and a “Love that time will lay down and be still for.”
True Love seems like an oxymoron.
No Shining Today,
“Dandelion Tattoos and Wishes”
Make a wish my Love as you breathe upon my tattooed flesh
Kiss and touch me please everywhere my dear
Intertwined bodily now, joined our souls mesh
If I get my wish my dreams will be real and You will hold me near.
-Starra Neely Blade
(c) 4 June 2012
For my gentle Gardener
The Sad & Confused Inner Child
I get confused at words said. I need to ask outright “What do you mean by that?” But I admit to being a coward. What if I do not like the answers. What if I mess up something by asking?
My mind thinks of things said in the past to me, things done to me. (A mentor stated I act like a victim. In some places I am forced to agree with him.)
So when things like this happen the “little girl” in me truly needs and wants to curl up in a ball amidst the hurt and confusion. I may cry a bit. If exhausted already it triggers me. I do not mind honest Feelings, but I do mind allowing my insecurities to muck about with me.
Usually I like my mind. These times I do not like my mind at all for taking me backwards, and I do not like the mental health issues I live with either. The ones that affect my mood, my loved ones, work, play and most all other areas of my life honestly. Mild all mine might be, they still are there. I deal as best I can. Soon I will get More help.
But in Life and THIS: I am what I am, It is what it is.
I know that I will get better. I will do better next time. I can learn from this.
And so I get all Inner Child, Young Girl. I curl up, I hug my pillows or my Stitch. (Yes I sleep with Stitch, I used to with my first Teddy Bear but he is fragile now.)
I have some Little Girl in me. This is when the Nurturing Man/Gentle Dom aka “Daddy” would come in handy. Strong reassuring arms are so longed for.
Alone, I Deal?
“So I best deal with it hadn’t I?”, says my heart & head, my Consciousness.
“And whilst you know it is okay to be sad for a time, it is not okay to wallow in it”,my Common Sense Nurturer psyche states.
So here I am awake from PTSD dreams. Not so bad this time. Caught myself a bad chill and was shivering and shaking those few hours of sleep my body allowed me. Now I am awake, thinking, and needing my Someone to talk to. But it is not possible so I am on my own.
Alone I have had to deal often and I still do it alone usually. I trust but i fear. Another thing I am working on in me. I can talk to others who understand (dear Friends) and have their own “hells” they deal with. I have a Psych Dr. (Good luck getting through to him though). And My Man, but well I hate bothering him with this as he is busy & has his things to do.
After 2 years of no one male to lean on I am “used to” being alone but not alone, a weird confusing pseudo-Independence. Living together Separated where the angst from the male is thick enough to cut with a knife, well that is not supportive. So yes, I am “used to” having to be my own Yin Yang. Male & Female balance within myself as it were. So I kick my butt dispassionately, I hug myself compassionately and IO TRY hard to move on, to grow, to prevail.
I see a big difference in myself the past few weeks, and the past year there is a marked difference. But I have so much farther to go on this Path of Self Discovery in the Journey we all call Life. I have a interesting road ahead and I woke up with Realisations that I need to do some things with more energy and a Can-Do attitude. So I will and I must.
Thanks for Listening.
Shining Dark Inside My Inner Child,
“A grownup is a child with layers on.” ~ Woody Harrelson
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
It started with discussions on just what colours we liked, then agreeing on one of them. The night before we started by laying drop clothes and setting up other supplies for this project of ours.
We started to paint the bedroom walls early that morning. You liked early starts, and me not so much. So I was a bit grumpy as I sipped my coffee. You just ignored my moodiness, indulging me.
I was wearing an old button up shirt of Yours and little else that day we started the painting project. You were in pants and a tee, looking sexy as usual. As we got further along and hitting our stride we were laughing and sending out flirtatious looks. Then You were patting my round bum, my hands touching Your shoulders and back. Caresses became lingering touches, mixed with hot kisses in between brush strokes. All of this soon escalated to so much more.
Your growl should have warned me, but I was feeling my own hazy lusty heat and trying to focus on the job at hand instead of what I wanted, no needed, Your hands to be doing to me. As You pulled me in Your arms the erection prodding my belly told me all I needed to know. Your kisses barely drowning my moans.
In the aftermath of our passionate coupling we found ourselves on drop clothes and our bed, covered in sweat, our mingled juices and the paint too as we had shared more than awesome sex. Personally I did not think I could be happier than I was right then. But as you rolled over on me, hard and needy as ever for my curvy body, You proved just how happy You could make me many more times on Painting Day.
*We did finally finish painting the bedroom and were well pleased with the results.
- Starra Neely Blade
(c) 2, June 2012
For my Dear Sir
I am thankful for it being Friday.
Freya’s day again, She whom is the Goddess of Love (& War/Battle).
Prayer to Freya
Empower me with Your fortitude dear Lady in the days ahead. Some will be bleak and I will be afraid, give me courage to face all I needs must face with great Love, grace, and renew my spirit often.
~May It Be So~
I am thankful for Friday too for all of you who work so hard; you deserve a weekend of fun & pleasures. Enjoy!
Thankful for another day alive always.
Thankful for He who is in my life.
You are the Gardener of My Heart & Soul dear Sir.
Thankful for My Family in my 3 daughters. The Friends who are Made Family. Thankful for the presence of my Mom in my life even though she has Crossed Over. For all the positive role models in her Made Family, My Aunts.
My middle daughter has a few health issues. Migraines that put her in the ER, a Kidney disease and Fibromyalgia. She is a brave soul and if she were not my daughter I’d be thankful and proud to cal her My Friend.
This is the one I can confide in, yet I try not to too much as, Hey my daughter you know?! But we are like the barometer to one another in life.
She is once again in the ER. She hit her head hard this morning & we kept a watchful eye on her throughout the day. She woke me up to let me know the migraine had come on and she needed to go in. It is a hard deal. Long wait times but not as bad as they could be.
Her Dad is with her. He is learning to be a better Advocate. She may be an adult at 24, but when you are in this much pain you Need someone and she does.
The medical folks will often ignore a person alone and one her age, they assume the worst regarding pain meds and a person getting immune to them. (It happens, I should know). They do not do tests that she needs according to all her Specialists. (Hell hath no fury like her Specialists. They love her.)
So yes I am Thankful because I think of those without Insurance, without proper medical care facilities and medicines. Even clean drinking water or a way to sterilise things. I think of the Third World issues and I refuse to “moan, groan & complain” (too much) about how hard I/we have it.
My youngest was in the Urgent Care last night and I am shaking my head at this illness deal we seem to be having in the family. I really wonder how much of it is stress and the toxicity of our former house with its black mold & more.
An acquaintance/friend is getting me Info on Natural Ways to heal us, and I am going to work hard to get the money to pay for these things.
I may have a messed up back & lousy health nowadays, but I have a good mind (forgetful at times as I may be) but still good. So I will use my mind instead of my back to earn and care for us all.
Thankful am I for being a smart person and strong of will. For this means I Will Prevail. And my daughters will also. I hope to set an example for them that the only limits are the ones we place on ourselves and to not allow society to tell you you cannot do something because of gender or anything else. They know, but it is still good to Do.
Life goes on. Love is a choice I have made.
I boot fear out like an unwanted visitor. I cry when I need to. I laugh more often. I smile for Good Reason. I am happy and sad, thankful and glad. Concerned for Loved Ones and I choose to Think Positive and Love Them through ALL that may come our way.
I believe we must remember we do have choices. I am making mine daily. I hope they bear good fruit and bless the lives of others too.
Thanks for Listening.
Shining in the Dark,
“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ~ Marcel Proust
“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” ~ Thornton Wilder
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” ~ Albert Schweitzer
“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach
Silence is golden, or so the saying goes.
For me some silences are quite lovely and yet some silence is The Silent Scream to many and there are others that are a hell for me.
Stupid you might say. Enjoy the silence whilst you can.
I do enjoy the silence of and in nature, the silent household when everyone else is snug in their beds sleeping, the silence of a shower or bath to relax in. All these I do enjoy.
But some silences leave me thinking the worst, whilst still others are like a klaxon in my head. Silence so loud and painful my spirit starts to shrivel with it.
My family loved to use The Silent Treatment on each other, yet in my house voices were either raised (my Dad) or it got quiet voiced (Mom) and doors and cabinets, dishes, pots and pans slammed and clanged in a passive aggressive “silence” that made tensions higher than a sensitive kid like I was could handle.
When this happened, the yelling or Noisy Silences, I headed for the backyard and my trees or when I had a room of my own I escaped to books and music.
I am silent only if I am terribly upset or I am deep in thought. I let my daughters know which is which so they do not think I am upset with them. I am silent also in mediation and my yoga.
We are big on communication and promoting deeper understanding my daughters and I. (Their father is a terrible communicator and is more passive aggressive than my mother was.)
So the girls and I, we talk often and yet we all enjoy the silence or “Quiet Times”. To recharge our soul batteries, to rest our busy minds, to be alone within ourselves. All are healthy for a person.
I do love those sweet and beautiful Companionable Silences. The rare kind where with a look or touch you can express all that is in you at that place in time. I long for those someday. I long for that kind of intimacy and loving understanding, to give it to the Him that I am with in my life.
I still hope for things like that even as I think it is not going to happen for such as I. I get these thoughts and I try my utmost to send them away like a strong wind with clouds on a pretty day. They are not always cooperative.
I hope to make better friends with certain silences, to not fear other kinds of silence, and to understand other folks silences also.
I am trying is all I can say. But a lot of times they make me worried and sad. My issues there.
Enjoy the Silences as you will & Thanks for “listening”.
“Silence is so freaking loud”
― Sarah Dessen, Just Listen
“I don’t want to be married just to be married. I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can’t talk to, or worse, someone I can’t be silent with.”
― Mary Ann Shaffer, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
“I have never heard a more eloquent silence.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
“…I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.”
― Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
“Skies are crying,
I am watching,
Catching teardrops in my hands.
Only silence, as it’s ending,
Like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel
Like there’s nothing left of me?”
― Demi Lovato
After Midnight Thoughts
Romance is not dead, it beats on in hearts everywhere. Mine included. Love can and should be kept alive by fanning the flames with romance and an enormous amount of great sex. Intimacy and good conversation as well should be part of the mix.
Why do we lose these things? Why don’t we fight harder for them when we want them or already have them? Me, I want to fight for and run after Joy, Love, Romance, Sex, and a whole lot more. And I want to have them all with YOU.
-Starra Neely Blade
(c) 30, May 2012
Why do we make the same mistakes over and over again? Is it just being human? Is it lacking common sense, believing too much in others or not enough, as well as not enough in ourselves?
Is it because I am a seemingly perpetual screw up?? *shrugs*
Sometimes I think that. Other times I just laugh at my self and shrug things off.
Some mistakes I believe are part of my life lessons. Some I have made I will never regret. They shaped me and made me stronger and better.
Some of my mistakes I think are stemming from my oh so human frailty and my damaged self. Some so-called mistakes are not mistakes at all but part of a bigger than I am plan.
I know many of my mistakes stem from my past. That many come too from my inner child whom is insecure, hurt easily, scared of rejection, of abandonment and fears to reach out lest she be slapped for it. So the woman in me starts to expect all of this.She over thinks and worries, she who is so emotional that she wears her heart on her sleeve. These days I am really trying to strike a balance in thinking and feeling. A Yin Yang or Scales of Balance deal. Yet I feel like I am on tilt of late.
I am only now in my “maturity” becoming more secure in my self and loving me more. It shows in my sexuality and sensuality, in my non-judgment of others (for the most part), my acceptance of things in my life and otherwise, and seeking to let go of things as quickly as I can process them.
I made so many bad decisions recently. In doing so I not only hurt myself, I hurt folks I care for and about and whom I love. I was foolish. I was human. I was emotional. I was reactive. I was dealing with deeper issues that I had no idea were going on in me until it was too late. No excuses. I FUBAR’d.
I do not know yet the full outcome of my actions, and of my inner child and scared woman reacting and not thinking clearly.
I know I stand to lose a lot that is of utmost importance to me. It hurts to know this. It makes me grieved, and mad at myself too. Even as I feel all this, I am in the process of forgiving myself for my faults and frailties. Seeking to love myself with compassion. To learn from it all.
Life’s Lessons are not easy. I do not think they are meant to be. Easy things we’d be apt to forget. If it is hard it stays with us usually.
If I have screwed up everything by my failings and stupidity I will only have myself to blame. That hurts to know.
I swing from tears to more processing and figuring out my why-fores; so as to hopefully become a smarter and wiser person. To not hurt anyone else or myself in this way again, to grow from all of this.
May it be so.
I also hope in time those I have hurt will choose to forgive me. For I am deeply sorry for any hurt and harm my actions have caused.
Shining Dimly Tonight,
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe
“We are all mistaken sometimes; sometimes we do wrong things, things that have bad consequences. But it does not mean we are evil, or that we cannot be trusted ever afterward.”
~ Alison Croggon
“Mistakes are the growing pains of wisdom.”
~ William Jordan
“That that is is that that is. Not is not. Is that it? It is.”
This relates a simple philosophical proverb in the style of Parmenides that all that is, is, and that anything that does not exist does not.
Not All That Random…
I believe in life we all see things from our own perspective. I refuse to make anyone feel wrong for that. Mine is my own. I may be wrong in my thinking. BUT it is up to me to change it. In time I will. I believe Life has lessons for all of us and that we grow as we are meant, change when we are meant to.My answers to the Tests are not going to be another persons. I do not think it can be, nor perhaps should be.
I taught my children at home. (Home Scoolinh) I was not the best or worst Moms or teachers. I have 3 daughters whom are all very different in personality and learning styles. I had to adapt to them, and to this teaching style too. I knew the cookie cutter ways of educating were not going to be of benefit to them, so we utilised what worked and tossed out what did not.
Was it a perfect method? No, it was not. But it is the best in that moment of time that I/we could do.
My Beliefs (Not Universal, Just My Own)
I do not believe in anyone having all the answers. I do not believe in anyone being able to fix another person. I do not believe in pushing others too hard or too fast (though i am guilty of that) . I do not believe I have the right to judge another’s levels of pain nor their ability to deal with them.
We all learn, grow, adapt, etc as differently as we are different. I try to see it in a place of acceptance. Being imperfect I fail at times and get impatient with the process.
You see I am so aware that I have “issues”. They are mine to deal with. Well honestly others in my life deal with them too as I am part of them and they me. Whomever we touch .
I do not mean to be problematic, nor do I wish anyone to think because of my abuse I consider myself a victim.
I see myself as a survivor, of my abuse and my life.
I am not whole. I know that. I am in fact so broken you can see the light from the moon, stars and sun through me.
Some might think that beautiful., Others might see me as too messed up.
I see me as Trying to grow strong in my broken places and Trying to be a useful “cracked pot”.
I respect all who are at least Trying. I also have compassion for those so hurt or hurt that cannot. I do not judge as I have been there. Judged and “hung” for my wrongs.
Compassion & Other Lessons From A Dear Friend:
A very groovy goddess Sister-Friend taught me a lot about things like this because she had been there and done that and had learned that seeking to be Living in the Moment, Living Authentically, Loving Compassionately & seeking to speak with Radical Honesty worked so well in her life and the lives of “Great Teachers” throughout history.
*note please that Radical Honesty does not give anyone of us the right to hurt others. It needs to be utilsed with Loving Compassion, Kindness, and Tolerance.
My Thinking & semi Disclaimer:
I am not in any way wanting or asking for pity, nor expecting understanding. I wrote this For Me.
For mostly I Write so as to understand my own mind and heart better.
I ask Questions so as to understand also. Though I have so many questions I can often annoy others with them.
So when I write for me and it touches or speaks to others I believe that Spirit has chosen to use me as a vessel or conduit. That is my perception of The Universe, God and/or Goddess. Spirit is thought to be a part of them All. It is what I asked years ago; to be used as a vessel or conduit for Spirit in my writing and in any blogging I do.
All of us can be used in a positive way for them to reach others. One hopes. It is to me a spiraling out to the world. It is a spiritual and personal concept that stems from my various pearl gathering and wisdom seeking as well as my Goddess Spirituality & Pagan thinking.
Things I Learned About Myself in Life 101 thus far:
I can and do and will fail. I will f**k up and I will hurt others by doing so. I will make the same mistakes twice and maybe more than that. Eventually my slow sided self will learn. (Or die trying) I am both smart and I am foolish.
I do not always trust my first impressions, insights &/or instincts often enough. I trust some folks a second and third time when I should not.
I trust some persons so much and am rewarded with the best possible folks in my life … some of whom have hurt me a lot & yet they are not bad people, only imperfect like myself. They can hurt me because I care for or love them.
I know if I care or love I open myself to being hurt. I chose to do this because closing myself off again is not a option for me.
I believe in the Possibilities of Love and I believe there are Soul Mates.
I believe in persons that no one else does and even if they hurt me or they screw up I do not stop liking or loving them. Some of them are chosen family, others are kin.
I will hurt you. I will fail. I will be thoughtless, unkind, insensitive, and rude perhaps.
I will be and can be kind, sweet, thoughtful, and loving.
I will try again and again and again to “get it right”. I rarely give up on others and on myself.
If I love you and you love me I’d rather hurt myself than hurt you. (I may still hurt you but I will die a thousand deaths for doing so and I will do most anything to make it up to you.) If you love me and I love you I am loyal, trustworthy and I stick. I will also do my utmost to help, to make your life better, take the blame again and again and think it is my fault things are wrong.
My truth is not going to be everyone else’s truth and that is okay.
I will love you to the detriment of my self.
I will agree to disagree so as to keep the peace between others and myself and to keep us friends or on friendly terms.
*** There are certain things of course that are ethical I will not agree with some about.
This Blog today is brought to by the Letter S and from my feeble brain that is aching from sinus, headache & crying pressures, and my sick stomach from these and from hurting others and in myself.
So it may make sense this blog or it make be rubbish.
I’d lay down to sleep some more if I did not think my vertigo would make me “toss cookies.” TMI I know.
I try to laugh at my self even when i do not feel like laughing at anything else.
Thanks for Listening.
“Universal Truths” ?!
Universal Truth #8:Someone, somewhere will always be offended
Universal Truth # 10 The truth is no one knows the truth.
Universal Truth #11: Love cannot be faked.
Universal Truth # 64 Truth is infinite, understanding is finite
I am the first usually to forgive others there faults, flaws and mistakes. In fact I usually like a person better if they have more than a few flaws. I am not one that believes in perfection. We are always learning hopefully if and through the mistakes we make.
A friends sent me something I really appreciated reading again. (See Below)
I intend to start taking the other street.
I try so hard to say and do things the right and in a sincere way. I gaff. Oh how I gaff. Mistakes are often made by me. So I apologise. I sincerely mean my apologies always; but even they can come out wrong at times.
Hells Bells! I am a Writer and still I muck it up?! Guess writers are imperfect persons too. *smiles* I know I am.
I am also a flawed and often emotional woman. I am a Mom that had made a truck bed of mistakes with my 3 daughters. (Thank goodness they love me enough to forgive me.)
As a women with a big gooey feeling heart, I care deeply. I love many folks. I like a lot of folks. I detest a few. I hate little because I think that it a waste of precious energies.
So, if I say I care I mean it. If I say “I love you” I most certainly mean it. The uppercase “I Love You” is going to be saved for The Right Man only.
I am Hoping I found Him or He me. Time tells this tale.
I just know I screw up a lot and I hope that by taking Another Street with Him, it will be all to the good.
If I must Walk Alone, I will endure and hopefully prevail in my New Life Chapters.
Shining Dimly Tonight, but still here…
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
Well except for my need to ritually Cleanse the “old house”, *I* am done over there. Some “issues” left to deal with in regards to that place but at least now our “stuff” is here or in storage.
So the next lil while I get to sort, toss. sell, donate and find places for said Stuff. My yard looks like we have a Yard Sale going on. A mess and we have possibility of rain.
I am under orders to Not do heavy lifting & stay hydrated.:)
I love when Someone cares enough about me to tell me these things. Not had enough TLC in my life heretofore.
“I love it when a plan comes together” - Hannibal, The A-Team
“I love it when LIFE comes together.” - Starra Neely Blade
The simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.
Some of us call it The Flow, or Living in The Flow.
I find the more I Chose Love & ditch fear I am In the Flow. The Universe is transpiring to make things happen. Maybe that is “too” whatever for some folks. A lot of Good and helping me to avoid pitfalls of late. I am also learning to stand firmly and to be forthright about my needs, as well as the need to know the truth from others and about things, and you can do this without being rude. Seems too many think they have to “get what they want or need” by being rude and demanding.
I find that for me it is far better to be strong, firm, and to use good manners and be as respectful as possible. You really do not have to be rude even if that seems to be the “norm” from the media world.
I just Know What I Know and Synchronicity is at work in all aspects of my life. I feel loved and blessed by the Goddess/Universe.
Teachers & Learning
I am still Learning & glad for the Teachers that are in my life. These teachers include my daughters. They are teaching me more patience and yes to stand strong and firm. They need me to do so and to work to keep our lives together from unravelling. They need the security they find in my love and my empowerment.
The security we have not had with my ex to be, their dad.
They also remind me (teach me) when I get sad or scared, it is okay to show that I am. It is not weakness to be human. They also tell me, “It is okay to feel these things”.
Though I teach this, I forget to be kind to myself, to treat myself as I would a friend and/or loved one. To have compassion and understanding with myself. To allow myself the time and the process.
Time to wake up my daughters and hope they are able to help a bit. It was a hard thing the last clean & pack session at the old place. (No electric on & ugh the bug season is upon us.)
So this day will unfold as it will. I refuse to push when there is no need and we women-folk are respecting The Process and this home of ours is meant to be a Home full of Peace and that is why we also called it “Haven”. Safe and peaceful, a retreat from our old lives.
So, on to forage for breakfast, need my coffee too. To get “stuff” done indoors and out. And my dog is waiting for his walk.
Hope you all have a Splendiferous Day & a lovely weekend too.
I write and I love, I nurture and oh gods how I screw up.
I feel like I ought to come with a warning sign:
Royally fucked up emotional wench
Beware the weepy woman!
It happens 2 to 3 times a month. (No not that time of the month. lol)
It is often coinciding with the aftermath of a hellacious amount of stress and/or my forgetting certain Rx Meds. Which also stems from stress and/or exhaustion.
The move is Almost done. Thank goodness. Unpacking & getting organised is not going to happen overnight.
More shitestorm to be faced though in the weeks ahead. I will not do details but it is yet another “deal” I have to go through due to “him” messing up some things and lying. And that he lives in denial.
I seek to face even the hard facts and also I seek to be open and honest. I tend to forget not all folks are like me. It is not wrong this, it just is what it is.
Though what the ex to be “he” has done IS wrong and I feel like a fool & then some for trusting him yet again.
My 24yo middle daughter after her ER and illnesses has been told to not work for a few months. Her body, immune system & nerves need to rest, So her last work day was Friday. The last 3 days she has had a migraine & I am trying to have her rest & sleep so she does not need a 3rd time in a month ER trip.
My 17 yo daughter is dealing with the blinders being ripped off by her father regarding his ways. It hurts to see and to see her have to deal with so many harsh realities at once. It means I will be working with her on Life Coping Skills.
Also I will be getting us girls into Counselling because of these life changes, the divorce, their Dad moving out & us womenfolk on our own mostly, etc etc etc.
I am not as strong as so many think I am. I get really weary of that. I guess if I wear any “masque” it is the strong woman one.
I am not looking to be saved, but I sure wish I had a Special Someone to Lean On.
But I have to suck it up and force myself to stand on my own. And I will. But like today I may have bouts of tears and lots of fears of “not being good enough”.
There I said it. I fear most men think I am not good enough.
Even as I type it I know I am a worthwhile woman deserving of love, respect, cherishing & more. Someday I may even get that. I sure have a ton of it in me to Give. *shrugs*
I am still steadfastly Choosing Love in my life.
Loving myself, others, stating My Truths and being honest. I fail & falter, I get up & kick my own arse.
I do not mean to hurt anyone by being so honest & open. I just do not feel right about my possibly misleading Anyone Else the way I have been in my past & recent past. It matters to me to Not be like the persons that lied to me & hurt me. It is why I state what I am, who I am, what my life is like & what I hope to find in life & love.
Long Term Committed Relationships are my thing. I just cannot be other than who I am.
Well that is that & I am going to try to rest if I can. My body aches, the vertigo i have is getting worse thus it is really messing me up, and even in these things Truly I am refusing to live in shadows or with fear. No way, no how.
I am moving forward and trusting in the Love of the Universe for the future as I take appropriate steps.
About Life, Living, Loving… Passionately and Compassionately.
I really do not know how else to be or live. I am deep waters and stormy afternoons. I want to be these things to One Man and One Man Only. If He wants me too.
Time. I think we take it for granted. Oh you have plenty of time for this or that. You hear that all the time. I think it is a crock. I think we need to stop thinking we have all the time to do or be, love and live. Time flies by.
I just had my firstborn child yesterday, now she is 26. What? Wait, how???
I blinked and 26 years went by. Yet I know more so the past 6 to 16 years were the fastest in my life thus far. My “baby” is almost legal age. Even she is awed by that fact. She does not feel like an adult at all.
I think and I anaylse and seeing as a lot of what I am thinking about things I have thought about before in regards to life Changes, and the past 19 mos or sop for other areas I want to do and live, I am not really making a “quick decision”. Not for me. I am a Planner. I am a Thinker. I am a Scorpio. (Yes it matters)
I may have a “gooey” soft heart, but I have a strong will that shall bend to that Only One Man. Willingly so. Submissive heart I have wants and needs the Dominant Male or Alpha. Our Relationship will be on Our Terms and no outsiders need seek to influence us.
My Life is moving along. Slow, then fast. Odd at best of late. I am trying to take things here a day at a time. I have Ideas I need to act upon, and I shall once we move in. Moving this weekend in fact. Stressed a bit but I am pretty okay over all. No strong arms to hold me when it gets bumpy, but I will get through because I have no other choice. *shrugs* My pillow catches my tears.
Someday I will have a Man to lean into and He can draw strength from me also. Somedays… I said I’d never believe in Somedays again. It hurt too much when dreamed of and promised Somedays were crushed along with my heart. I am Choosing to Believe and to Hope again. I am a bit scared. But to not Hope is to me much worse.
Thanks for Listening.
Shining in the Dark,